a life change

i thought i made a life change by starting school this year.  it was a defining moment and i knew that it would be one that i would remember and base other things off of.  i was so excited to start school and so excited to get started on a new career that would start about 5 years from the time i started school. 

throughout the semester, you got to hear me bitch and moan about everything associated with school.  while that wasn't very constructive, something did come out of that.  i realized that i would have no passion for doing this career that i was in school for.  i derived love for my job by counseling and having interaction with children...not by testing them and putting labels on them. 

it also became apparent, that the cost of going to school, in most cases, would be offset by the money that i'd be making when i graduated with a PhD.  not so in the case of school psychologists in colorado.  do you know that when i graduated, i would be making only $1,000 more a YEAR than if i went to work in a school now with my masters in social work?  in order to make a substantial amount more, I would need to go work in Cheyenne...where the majority of my time would be spent testing kids.  there is such a need for school psychs there due to the high mobility rates of the families that work in the oil industry. 

all this to say, i HAVE the tools to do my dream job. you may then ask why i haven't been doing it.

 i was a school counselor in 2003 and loved it.  i had taken over someone's maternity leave and then was able to job share with them when they came back to work.  i then applied for her job when she decided that she was going to leave.  i thought i'd be a natural fit, they loved me at the school.  when i went into my interview, the principal mentioned something weird.  she said that she was worried, only because of the fact that she had "heard" that i did crossword puzzles and read books for pleasure, at work.  i was totally blindsided by this.  i answered as best i could and said that while i don't know where she would have heard such a thing, that i did carry crosswords around with me in my purse while i was waiting in line for things, or something of that nature and yes, i did have a book in my purse as well...the title being something to the effect of "how to treat teens that bully".  i never read it at work, but my co-worker had given it to me as a resource.  i approached the person that i was job sharing with, after i didn't get the job, and yes, she had jumped to the conclusions that she had with no proof, and no thought to ask me what i had been doing.  it turned out that another counselor in the district had threatened that if she wasn't transferred from her school that she was at to this other school, that she would leave the district.

it went from there into the most intensive process that i've been in.  i then interviewed for her job at the other school....someone else in the district filled that job, i interviewed for that person's job, and so on and so forth.  this went on for 10 times.  yes, 10 times.  the last job i didn't get was one that was filled by a person that moved out of state and had "experience". 

i realize, however, now, that i dedicted all of my resources to that district.  probably because i had loyalty to it...i had attended that district and felt like i should work there. 

i think i sold myself short.  and i realize this now.  i also think that when i started this school psych journey, i really didn't give myself the adequate time that i needed to explore what the degree was about.  there are many nuances to it and while it can be versitile, you also need to jump through the hoops that go with it, such as doing years worth of internships to get an extra accredidation. 

all this to say, i think that i'm quitting school.  i'm interested in continuing to work with my parents until they retire and i'm more interested in the meantime to also look into another career that i think i may look into.

i'm still alive

there is just not a lot to write about when you are spending your days laying in bed....

so, i'll talk about Christmas.  it was a blast.  first off, i got the best gift in the world.  t got me a canon rebel xsi and a super duper, ridiculous lens.  we have some fantastic pictures of the mice thus far.  i'm so excited to use it and i think the true test will be when we do some marathons and such. 

we went to my mom and dad's house where we had a ridiculously good time.  so good, in fact, that i think i broke a stitch while there.  we laughed so hard, i can't even explain. i gave my dad a beyonce dvd and we watched it while eating christmas dinner, talked about butt muffins and watched the most classic move ever, made by my dad.

on thanksgiving, my cousin knocked this geisha doll off of the stand that it's on.  the geisha also has a glass case that surrounds it, which broke.  she felt so bad.  she cried...but it wasn't a big deal to my folks...things like that never are.  so, since that time, they had gotten it fixed.  we were eating and i don't know what my dad was doing, but he knocked the same doll over and seriously broke that case, took out some drywall, and may have damaged the actual doll.  we all sat there in total silence when this happened, then everyone burst out laughing.  it wouldn't have been so funny, if our friend, that wasn't there for thanksgiving, hadn't been sitting there with his mouth open, waiting for someone to start yelling or something. 

later on, my cousins came over, we ate more...not like we needed to, but all in all a great day.

that's it in a nutshell...like i said, not much to report right now when you don't leave the house...but when i do...WATCH OUT

i'm awesome...and scary, all in one

we have video cameras on our house.  some people think this is weird...a little excessive, maybe, but whatever, we have them.  they are for safety, but apparently, today, they were also for fun!

it snowed here today...we have maybe 6" or so,  but enough for all the neighborhood kids to come over and try to gouge us out of money to shovel our walkways.  t had already turned some people down, he was going to do it later.  So, after a while, he stopped answering the door when they rang the bell. 

one particular group came and stayed for a while.  after they had knocked for a second time, he came in the bedroom, and turned on the video cameras to show up on the TV.  there were three little kids out there, all bundled up with their shovels in hand.  awwww, how cute! 

they stayed there for a LONG time though.  then, one of them started walking off and I said something to the effect of, "oh no they are not going to....." i don't know really what followed that other than i started getting out of bed, and running towards the front door to see that yes, indeed, the sweeties had thrown snow on our door, because apparently they are entitled to make money from us and we were the assholes that weren't home.  i opened the door and the look on their faces were priceless.  i yelled, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING? GET BACK HERE!"  i think one of the kids may have peed just then. 

i proceeded to tell them that we were watching them the whole time on video and that we can turn that into the police and who did they think they were, blah, blah, blah.  t decided that i had had enough fun and that he needed to come mediate and just the look of him scared them all over again. 

i asked them their addresses and for some reason, they all got collective amnesia and also couldn't speak. 

it was all pretty funny. 

merry christmas.

who doesn't need this?

we were thumbing through the oprah magazine the other day and happened upon a page of baubles that, well...who couldn't live without these? we then went to the website and found it to be amazing. the jewelry was so different, some so simple, some so....NOT, that i just found myself looking forever. i found this:

and this:

and this:

all of this jewelry is on the website http://www.noirjewelry.com/.  there is plenty that is NOT like this.  some incredibly modern, poke-your-eye-out pieces.  but for the most part, it's just different.  which i love

i'm melting

it may be cheesy (no pun intended), but i LOVE fondue restaurants. they may be dumb and overpriced, and hokey, but i do love them. especially when they have things such as lobster in them.

two weeks or so ago, when we went to t's office party, and had a blast. i got to meet this woman who is a nurse practitioner where he works. she was really nice and i really enjoyed being around her. as she was leaving she said, "you and t should come to my birthday dinner at my house wednesday.". i didn't think much of it...until we were driving to cheyenne the next wednesday to her birthday dinner. how cool was that? first off, we don't do a whole lot with other couples, so it was awesome to be doing this, but secondly, to be doing this with people that we just met and that have different experiences than us. we had a great time, had a great dinner, and just had fun.

we then got a call last night from them. 1. to check on me (how nice) and 2. to see if we wanted to go to dinner tonight. whereas, i didn't really think that dinner would be on my mind right now...i really do want to go out with them. i figured, what the heck...i'll be eating anyway, might as well be eating mass amounts of protein covered with oil, cheese and chocolate, right?

so, we are going to the melting pot for dinner, we think. what is even better and shows that this is meant to be...is what i found in my purse. i had an inkling of a memory that the last time we went to the melting pot that we had gotten a card that stated we had a certain amount of money off our next dinner there. SCORE! i dug it out and in fact, found a $20 off card. it's like christmas early!!!!

surgery done and over with

Surgery is done and over with. it is painful, they took out more than they thought....but it's done and that's what's important!

had a great time in the pre-op. t came and my mom. t entertained the troops by putting booby tassels on himself made from medical tape. He blew up a medical glove and then popped it, scaring the entire floor.

what was really funny was the fact that when i was in pre-op, we got word that the operating room was flooded. for some reason, the temp got to 100 degrees, then started raining from the ceiling. they had to move me to another o.r. and then do it there. in the meantime, my nurses had to take me on a ride across the entire hospital...we had to go running up ramps, with me in the bed with all my hosptial garb on. i put my hands in the air like i was riding a roller coaster...it was a blast.

when i got in to the o.r. the nurse was awesome. she rubbed my arm the entire time...was really comforting. what i really like was the fact that it started out with me laying there normally, and then i woke up.

now, not so great, but its done!

yeah, that dress...not so much

remember the dress, the one that i was wearing to that party? yeah,well, that didn't happen. i hadn't really tried the thing on so much until, well, i was getting dressed for the party. we'll just say, that it didn't work so much. it was for waify model types....my butt looked like i was j-lo and i didn't think it was so appropriate.

it was a blast, we had so much fun. what was even more fun for me, and always will be, is my never-ending quest to figure people out. t has this girl at work that sounded realy cool. to the point, where i was asking him to have her over to hang out. she declined. then said girl said some strange things...such as asking how much i made, salary-wise and then telling t that she made more. um...WEIRD.

she texted him when she finalized her divorce plans, which may have seemed odd, but he had been kind of helping her talk things over about her current, bad marriage situation.

then, we were supposed to go to this party. we went, and she was supposed to be there too. when we got out of there, he had a message on his phone saying that she hadn't seen his car out there (we had driven another one) and so she didn't go in. even stranger is the fact that as far as he knows, she's never seen his car, but she knew the make, and the type of license plates that he had on there. um...WEIRD.

the night of the last party, she texted him before we got there asking if he was going. i texted back, "we're almost there". she responds, "oh good, i get to meet the wifey". THE WIFEY? WTH?

We get there, she shows up a while later.

DOESN'T COME NEAR US THE ENTIRE NIGHT.

this is NOT a huge party and we are not in a ballroom or some gigantic venue. you, inevitably, spoke to everyone there.

WEIRD

why do girls act like that?

the dress

we have a party to go to tomorrow, and while we are not the party people, and even again, while the party is in cheyenne...not saying anything about that, my mom decided that i was going to wear party attire.  that sounds horrid.  my mom didn't really decide that, but what she did decide to do was to buy me a $20.00 from walmart.  i'm facinated with it.  it is touted to be an "all-in-one" top.  first off, it's not a top, it's a dress.  but secondly, you can theoretically do a million things with it.  i just think it will look good with boots, so i'm excited. 

aaaahhhh

quick update as to the medical saga....

i went to the doc that i was labeling as "old school" and what i found is that, that statement, in fact, was true.  however, what i also found out, is that old school can be good.  he is much more traditional in treatment and in reality, gave me more news that sounded a lot scarier than what i had started with.  BUT, that being said...he was so much more honest, open, and explanitory than any other person had been as well. 

doing surgery on the 21st and while it will remove some of the "stuff" there, they will then biopsy it some more and see how far it has spread.  so, you know, just good things to know. 

while i feel much better about this, my stress level in my body is rising the closer this gets.  i don't think it's that i am so nervous about the procedure itself...but we'll see when the time gets closer. 

in the meantime, i have a fabulous weekend filled with holiday-like activities and pretty much anything i haven't gotten around to in the past 5 months. 

Image by northdevonfarmer via Flickr

oh, did i fail to mention how GLAD i am that i'm not in school for a month?  really, when i think about going back in january, i think my lip turns up and i involuntarily snarl, but whatever. 

people are like, "why are you continuing to do this if it makes you that unhappy?"  i have a couple of reasons...not excuses, mind you, but REASONS. 

1.  i was a spoiled brat and didn't work throughout college and my first round of grad school.  i will say however, that i don't know that this would have mattered.   it is very different to be delivering pizzas or working at dillards (not saying anything bad about those jobs), than it is having to be 106% present everyday and to have to keep on top of contracts, homes, buildings, etc. and hope that nothing falls through the cracks....i've found THIS also to be a little stress provoking. 

2.  i am hoping that the fact that i had the same teacher for all of my classes, plus my GA has something to do with it.  nothing at all against her, in fact, i really like her, but it does something to your head when you are supposed to be getting a "worldly" view of psychology and it's coming from one professor that in reality, has not ever practiced in the field that you are speaking of. 

those are the only things that i can think of.  so deal

don't you love it

when you are doing weird things, or talking about whatever, and then the next day realize that you called someone while you were doing said things and had NO FRICKIN idea?  what is worse, I think, is when you do this, and have no clue what you may or may not have said. 

three years

"I still remember the day the world took you back & there was never time to thank you for the thousand scattered moments you left behind to watch us while we slept."-storypeople.com

it's been three years now.  it still sucks everyday to miss you, i don't know that i'll get over you...and that's o.k.  you are the best grandpa we all could have had. 

christmas porn

i live with a very creative soul, if you haven't figured that out yet.  some may call our relationship weird, our sense of humors, goofy.  but it works for us.  t sees things a bit differently than most people, and it's that quality that is great and fun about him.  this leads me to hear many songs with words substituted in them.   i've heard many songs about tacos, cheese and cheetos, of which he eats none of and which two of them can kill him. 

the other day, you all may have seen, Rudolph the Red-nosed reindeer was on t.v.  we were both sitting in the office, he was working on work, i was studying and not really paying attention to the show.   the next thing i hear is "SHOW HIM YOUR TITS!"

a person may think that he had turned the channel to something different that warranted a comment such as that, but i guessed differently.  i turn and lo and behold Rudolph is still on. 

i then got schooled on, how in reality, Rudolph is actually trying to get in the pants of the female reindeer, whose name, if you didn't know, is Clarise.

as a side note, what makes this even funnier, is that t doesn't say this stuff about people...

trotting part 2

this is from the Fort Collins Thanksgiving Day 4 mile run

a while ago

i made a post about how i was at my uncle's funeral and tony was having issues trying to find pumpkins for Halloween.  We had a snowstorm that week and all of the semi trucks that were bringing the pumpkins from other lands....got stuck.  hence, the big pumpkin shortage of 2009.  I came home to his make-shift version of pumpkin carving.  spaghetti squash...

i think the final effect is excellent.  obviously, since we just took this picture this past week, the squash is a bit old, but instead of rotting out, it formed this cool shell.  just shows you what a bit of creativity can make.

love this

"They left me with your shadow, saying things like Life is not fair & I believed them for a long time. But today, I remembered the way you laughed & the heat of your hand in mine & I knew that life is more fair than we can ever imagine if we are there to live it " -brian andreas

update

Image via Wikipedia

i forgot to update after the last medical mishap. so, i called around to different doctors, made appointments, cancelled them for one reason or another and then finally called the "old school" doctor that i mentioned a billion years ago (or so it seems). his nurse was sweet, had a southern drawl (a nice one, not an annoying one) and convinced me that he was the way to go...and lo and behold, he had an appointment open for the exact same time that my other appointment was going to be. i took it, and next wednesday, i'll be seeing old school! very happy with this decision and very comfortable with it.


i finished a presentation this week.  i don't know really how it went.  i got comments from my prof stating that i was "an entertainer's dream", that i was "so entertaining to watch".  i don't know how to translate these comments into "you are an amazing person that's going to be a great school psychologist".  but i'll pretend that's what she said anyway. 


i would like to be putting the tree up this weekend, but i'm afraid it would be a bad thing.  more like, an escape mechanism of avoiding this horrid thing that i like to call...a final.  i have it on monday and seriously, when it is done, i feel like about 30 pounds will be lifted off my shoulders.  i cannot wait. 


that is the unexcitement that is my life right now.  please inform me on the fun things that you are doing....i can vicariously live through you.

"the next two months are going to suck"

Image by micamica via Flickr

that's JUST what you want to hear on a tuesday morning at the start of a month.

turn that life upside-down

yeah, i don't know what i was thinking. it was all a little too good and calm for a while. i had called a doctor last week and for the first time, in a couple weeks or so, had breathed in a deep breath. i found a doctor and he is a specialist in what i needed him to be. he is world renowned for his methods in treating this and that, AND he had a good bedside manner. AND he worked in a hospital and had medical technology on his side. he was so good, in fact, that he was booked 6 months out. but while i was on the phone with his nurse, he had a new patient cancellation! i hadn't thought a thing about it since then.

then today...well...i got a call that there was an emergency and he wouldn't be able to see people for 2 weeks, so this was a notification of my cancellation. i talked to the scheduler and unfortunately, at this time, the first appointment that he has now is January 20th.

there are a couple reasons why this doesn't work in my land...they may seem little and petty, but really, they are important to me.

1. my surgery would be covered by insurance if i have it this year. i don't have money to cover this next year.

2. i'll be on break from school from December 7th to January 11th. i do NOT want to be recovering from anything during school/work. i can barely keep afloat without that in the mix....

so, i'm still waiting for a call from the other guys nurse...not expecting craziness, but maybe she'll have a good referral for someone else. apparently, this hospital is really high in the women's health department, and none of the docs have openings before the end of January.

it'll be o.k. again. i know, i'll find someone great. but until then, i'm having to remind myself to take deep breaths

slackerific

i got through this weekend realizing that i have no idea what i did. i sat around for a full day on Saturday. I had yesterday to really get a jump on a last assignment for school...but didn't. then i realized today, that i didn't feel bad about it. in fact...i felt pretty relaxed.

i realized that this is the first year, I haven't gotten the tree up in this weekend...but that's o.k. there's always next weekend, except i have to study for my final in there too, i guess.

really, all this to say, school is non-existant, right now. it probably shoudn't be, but it is. it's actually a shock when i realize that i need to go to class every once in a while, because it seems so not important. i know it is, and i'll get through and do it well, but for now....i'm kind of done. i'm turning in a paper a week early, i have a presentation tomorrow, then i have an assignment and need to finish my shadowing.

i can't wait til i'm done and even though i know that some not-so-pleasant things lie ahead for break, i'm good with that.

it won't be this crazed mess that's been going on since i started school...so it will all be good

deals, deals, deals

I know that not everyone takes the time, or really cares to save money, like I do.  but to me, it's a big deal when i can save 25% on something, or get something for free.  we don't live like we are broke, because we are not, but we are careful....so careful with our money.  to me, if it takes an extra few minutes to look up a code for something....it's worth it. 

I'm in need for some winter clothes and i love me some argyle prints.  on anything.  just so happens, oprah waved her magic wand and deemed the sweaters at New York and Co.  the "it" thing of the season.  they have had them on sale and i've been hemming and hawing about buying a couple of them.  until today, there was just too much temptation and i gave in.  they have a 50% off everything on their site today.  it's ridiculous.  I would show you what i bought, but apparently in my excitement, I crashed their site.  Anyway, I bought a couple of sweaters...originally, they are $46.00.  so, i bought two.  if I would have been thinking more "crafty-like" you see, I could have ordered another sweater or something else, and also used the $35 off a purchase of $75 or more...voila.  lots of stuff.  i'm actually going to call them and see if I can change my order. 

another thing i did was go to the victorias secret site.  we found some gems when we were in MN, meaning bras that actually do what they are supposed to do, if you get my drift.  the things are usually about $46.00.  I bought one and used a 25% off coupon that I found, plus two other codes that got me free underware.  so, all that, only 30 something dollars.  so, at VS, i used three coupon codes, all looked up at the same site and all worked.  it just takes a little tetris-like skill to see which ones go with what. 

I always to go retailmenot.com.  you type in the name of the store you are "shopping" at and it will come up with codes that you may use for that time.  they have some, that are less successful than others, or some that have expired, but hey, most of them work, and i think it's totally worth it. 

another one

so, a friend that have mentioned earlier this week,called.  she left a message. 

it went something like this:

"hi, just calling to see how you are doing, wanted to see what was being removed and when you are in the hospital.  call me back, don't worry, it's not detrimental."

it's not detrimental?  after throwing this around in my head for a bit, i guess it was maybe the intent to say, "it's not urgent" or something.  but, the whole thing left me confused. 

don't worry though....it's not detrimental

conversations

this weekend we were at a restaurant.  we were there with many people, had moved around because lots had left and when I sat down, i noticed this dish of stuff in front of me, in a little ramekin.

me:  ewww, what's that?
t:     I don't know, it was here when i sat down
me:  sick....(after a pause)....it looks like maple syrup.
t:     yeah, i don't know WHAT that is.
guy:  it's a jew
t:      it's WHAT?
guy:  it'a a jew.
t:      oh.
guy: i think that people put it on french dip sandwiches. 

by this point, i'm laughing so hard on my insides, i cannot keep it together.  i, very sneakily, act like i'm laughing about something else, but i just can't stop.   as a matter of fact...i still can't

decisions....

i have to make a choice today.  i am hoping to keep putting it off, but that's not really working in my favor....SO, i need to choose another doc today.  i have a couple choices that have been recommended to me. 

1.  female doc, in smaller town, in practice for 12 years.  good reputation, knows her stuff, been told our personalities will "mesh" well.
2.  male doc, in Denver, in practice for 31 years.  good reputation, known for getting unpregnant people to be pregnant. 

now, i will say that my track record with female docs is not on the good side...my fear with the male doc though, is that he's old school.  and he's in denver.  denver means a good, longer ride home afterwards. 

i had a fight with my doctor

i was waiting for my results yesterday and waiting, and waiting.  finally, after some gentle prodding, by me, the doctor called.  she said, that yes, it was what they thought, they need to remove stuff..blah, blah, blah.  before i even had a chance to say anything, she jumped into, "i really think it would be silly for you to have this at the ER....i mean,  i do them there, but UGH, what a waste of a day!".  i was quiet, because i didn't want to react out of line...but then i said, "I don't really trust what you are telling me". 

she stuttered around and asked why and i told her a variety of things that were on my mind.  the fact that she had told me that it may be mildly uncomfortable, yet most people that i had talked to have cried through the entire procedure.  that she lost a tool in the middle of a procedure that she claims is done "all the time" in her office.  that instead of explaining why the said tool was needed in this case and not others, we sat there in silence while her poor new nurse, frantically turned drawers upside down to find it.  she apologized and then i asked for her to give me my records.  she made sure i knew that i had to take care of this ASAP and that it's important and if i go to someone else, to let her know, because she is legally bound that i take care of this. 

5 minutes later i get a call from the above poor nurse.  she is almost in tears and is explaining to me how sorry she was, but that she was new, she used to be in internal medicine, she had never used that tool before. i interrupted her in her speech.  "this is NOT your fault", i said.  i understand that things like that cannot be helped, but i explained to her that some explaination of this would have been a very soothing thing to hear at that time.  the fact that no, i am likely not my calmest at that doctors office with everything out for everyone to see and it made the situation even more unnerving.  i assured her that she was not at fault. 

about a couple hours later, i get a call from the doctor...who apparently needed to then fight with me on the phone.  without saying hi, she went into a tirade, "you said that it would have been helpful if i would have explained what was going on."  i replied yes, it would have.  "well, how would i know that?  i'm not a mind reader.  it's your responsibility as a patient to tell me if you don't know what is going on.". 

i like to ponder that sentence over in my head from time to time and how frickin ridiculous it sounds.  i explained that i would have loved to ask her why her staff was having to look in picture books for a tool that, in my head, they used everytime that someone had one of these procedures, but ya know....sorry, in the midst of all the things that were going on, i just couldn't get my words out to form the question.  we hung up.  i don't think that she is expecting a call back.

aren't friends grand?

i will say that for the most part, except for my immediate family and a few friends that i've chosen to include...the internet is who i've shared this experience with.  i've found this really helpful for a couple reasons.  1.  because i want to write something down and not have to answer a million phone calls about it nonstop.  2.  because it is nice to have people that can "get" me, but not have to see me everyday.  3.  because it is also nice, as much as i know you i'm sure care about what happens to me, to not have to be worried about how worried other people are about me. 

i have a person, that i for sure, have considered a friend in the past.  she is compassionate and there for you.  she is the kind of person, that if i were upset about something kind of lame...she would still empathize and tell me that it will all be o.k.  if i had a hard day at school, she has stepped up and had us to dinner to help lessen my load that day.  the kind of friend you would like to have.

the other day, i texted her to tell her what was going on.  not that i wanted to text her, but knew she was at a family event and didn't want to bother her, but wanted to find out when i could call her.  she wrote that she wouldn't be back til the next night.  i let it go and planned to talk then.  then, later that night, i got a text from her that said she was awfully curious and couldn't wait to hear my news.  i thought that it would be best that she not be too excited...so i told her not to get riled up and gave her my news.  her reaction was, well...not what i was expecting.  she said, "OMG, OMG, my friend had that done and then could never have babies again".  so, i fully realize that i'm not planning on giving birth...so, maybe i could see where someone would think that i don't care about that....but really? some sensitivity would have been nice.  but after that, i was expecting some further conversation....and there was none. 

from that point, i talked to t about who i really considered my friends and the fact that i wasn't going to spread this news via friends because of that reaction that i had gotten.

yesterday, i was going into a massage and got a text from that person.  it read "are you in the hospital and is your mom there?"  i explained that no, like i had said the day before, i was waiting for results and then would get a 2nd opinion for before i did something.  the next line....well....i'll just leave it to you to decipher. 

"what are they going to do with your uterus?"

we trotted

we created a tradition of sorts and did the 35th annual Longmont Turkey Trot this morning.  we had fun, felt like we were going to puke, and then won some bread.  here is the documentation

when someone says, "oh, it's mildly uncomfortable....at most." RUN

i had a biopsy yesterday.  i asked about them from a friend that i knew had one.  she had a REALLY bad experience with hers.  The lady yelled at her (then in her 20s) for being an irresponsible human, and then proceeded to perform the biopsy on her.  She felt, at the time that she was telling me this, that the lady was just pissed, and therefore gave her a more painful one. 

i am here to inform you, that no...that is not what happened. 

going to a gyn is really stressful for me...at best.  you are opening yourself up to be all sorts of "out there" and then asking someone to inflict pain on you. 

i was being a big girl, so i asked the doctor meekly, "is this going to hurt?"  to which she replied, very flippantly, "oh, I'VE had one and to tell you the truth, i didn't even find it mildly uncomfortable.".  i should have run then, but i didn't because i figured i'd have to get this done regardless.  so, i stayed.  it sucked.  then it sucked more, but i can't say that it sucked more than when they "lost" one of their tools for 10 minutes and i was stuck there, waiting for them to find it....telling the stuffed teddy bear that was being kneeded in my hands, to F*&K himself.  the aide couldn't find it so after the first 8 minutes, the doctor told her to bring the book with the pictures in it so that she could show her what she was looking for.  it was after that the real fun began.  now, i'm not here to scare anyone else off from getting one.  there are things that you can do to make this experience MUCH better and if you need to know what they are, we'll talk then. 

for any male readers that i have out there, i've likened the scraping feeling to being kicked in the balls (i don't know what this feels like, but my friend and i both described it this way) and the actual biopsy was as if she took some low grade tweezers (i don't know what low grade tweezers are but assume they are bad) and pulled my insides out with them, til something just came off.  then have 4 more. 

afterwards, i couldn't seem to get it together.  i was trying, mind you.  sitting up was not working for me...i kept passing out.  i finally had them go get my mom, because i figured while i was dealing with myself, she could give it to them if they started pulling their crap.  the doc tried making me schedule an appt for a procedure when she didn't even know what is wrong with me.  my mom let her have it.  it was awesome. 

that being said...i know that whatever comes from this, i can deal with.  what i couldn't deal with, is another one of those, done that way.  i'm very optimistic that the next doctor that i'm going to (oh yes, i'm going somewhere else after i get my results) will be very good and will treat a patient like a patient. 

i'm off to run the Turkey Trot!

400th post!!!!

because i am a bit avoidant right now to talk about what really is....AND because i don't want this post to be something debbie downer-esque....

i'll give you another "option" that t gave me today of what my diagnosis could be.  this one was WAY funnier than the other one...

"you could be having a mutant baby?" 

love that guy

you love to hear these words....

"we've discovered something, don't worry, it's not contagious, but we'd like you to come in for further EVALUATION". 

um....yeah.  this doesn't sit well with me, but alas, this is the call i got while at my gym, minding my own sweet business. 

it especially doesn't sit well with me, as years ago, i think i was 26, i got an abnormal exam.  I was going to a hack job place at the time.  they had me come in for FURTHER EVALUATION, but then decided it was nothing.  since then, i've had nothing but great results, i guess you could say. 

when i mentioned this to t, he asked, "are you PREGNANT?".  for some reason, that statement is so funny to me.  it's funny because that was about the LAST THING ON EARTH i was thinking.  i was thinking more along the lines of  "i might have cervical cancer". 

Questionaire

Here's a questionaire that i got off Snackiepoo's site.  Sorry, but when i get near to a 100th anything, i start getting brain melt...almost 400 posts!!!

1. What is your idea of perfect happiness?


true relaxation.  i think it's why i would spend so much to get a massage everyday. 


2. What is your greatest fear?

walking through my house at night and feeling my way around flipping on lights as i go.  then having someone wear night vision goggles knock me on the head.  not that i've thought about it a lot or anything

3. Which historical figure do you most identify with?

Puyi, the last Emperor of China. 


4. Which living person do you most admire?

my dad.  he is the most ethical and sensitive person that i know


5. What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

the fact that i cannot, once in a while, just not do EVERYTHING in the world. 


6. What is the trait you most deplore in others?

cowardice


7. What do you consider the most overrated virtue?

i don't know that it's a virtue, per se, but i would say, god-given talent.  i think that someone who has worked their patooty off to get somewhere is much more talented than someone who was born with something


8. What is your greatest extravagance?

i don't have a lot.  probably food. 


9. On what occasion do you lie?

this is hard.  i won't say that i never lie, but it's usually a matter of not hurting someone's feelings.  if i've promised someone i won't say anything about a topic and someone asks me about it...i'll lie and say i don't know about it. 

10. What do you dislike most about your appearance?

right now, probably my hair. 


11. When and where were you happiest?

probably the months before i started school. 


12. What is your greatest regret?

wow, i had to think on this.  i don't have many, but it's a toss up.  i think that it would be between not leaving someone when i really had all the signs that i should, or not staying home from a trip when my dad was sick.  i would say that what would probably win out is the trip.  it made me look and more importantly feel like a punk.  there were no guarantees that things were going to be o.k. and no matter that i couldn't do anything to make things better, but i left my mom to deal with things by herself.  it was simply wrong

13. What or who is the greatest love of your life?

men?  i would say t, my cousin, and my grandpa. 


14. What is your current state of mind?

busy-like, but clear...not muddled

15. What do you consider your greatest achievement?

if i get through this degree, this definitely will be.  but up to this point?  probably making the decision to stick to my guns to not go back to el paso to be with my then husband.  i knew that it was what some people would have considered the "right" thing to do, but it would have changed the course of my life in a way that i never would have gotten over.  what made it hard, was that he was such a good person at the core...i just didn't fit into how life would be like there. 

16. What is your most treasured possession?

 have a few:
1.  this ancient massage chair that is from the 70s that was in my grandparent's house as i was growing up
2.  a carved chair that was in my grandpa's house
3.  a painting that i bought and spent a junk-load of money on that is of a geisha with half her hair down....symbolizes eastern and western cultures merging



17. What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?

addiction


18. Where would you like to live?

where i live.  i wouldn't mind a 6 month stint in japan and another 6 month one in italy either



19. What is your favorite occupation?

really, it was probably a school counselor.  i had to stop for a couple of reasons, but mainly because i was supporting a leech that was sucking me dry.  i love that job...it was like it was made for me.  you may ask now, why don't i go back to doing that and why are you getting a degree when you already have the necessary one to do that?  it's called a SH*T a$$ house payment. 



20. What do you most value in your friends?

loyalty



21. Who are your favorite writers?

agatha christie, alice sebold, Antoine de Saint-Exupéry



22. Who is your favorite hero of fiction?

hercule poiroit



23. Who are your heroes in real life?

i don't know that i have any.



24. What are your favorite names?

ella.  it's just old sounding and it was my grandmother's name.  burke.  my mom's maiden name.



25. What is it that you most dislike?

people that blame their meanness on someone else.  i.e. "its the way i was raised"



26. How would you like to die?

unlike everyone else...i would kind of like to know if i were going to die. 


27. What is your motto?

it is what it is

shocked, pt. 2.

i love all the comments about shocked pt. 1..so i decided to make a sequel. 

a slight, short update.  i remember when i had my anorexic stint in college how weird it was to begin to eat normally again.  it felt balanced and strange.  the feel i am getting from starting this eating regime, however, is somewhat the same.  i am feeling like this is what i needed to do all along.  the other part i like about it, is that it's not geared towards exercise...not that you can't exercise, or that they don't encourage it...but you are eating what you need to lose weight healthily without exercising. If you exercise, you are expected to eat more, as you will likely gain from body sabotage if you eat too little. 

i think you'll all understand this line of thought...but when you start doing things right, you start "getting your body cues".  like, you start noticing when you are hungry....you notice when you are full.  i notice on this, that there is not a way in hell that could eat the bare minimum on this and then go work out...i would definitely need more. 

i am really happy about this and excited.  i'll post more about the progress later! 

oh, and i think i just bought the most veggies i ever have at the store!  :)

i'm shocked....at myself

i have now done something i would never in a million years thought that i would have done.  i am doing something "organizational" to lose weight that isn't a group class.  i wouldn't even feel the need to say anything on here for a couple reasons, but then i said, "screw it" because i'm just so excited about it.  first off, i didn't want to hear the lectures about how i "really didn't need to lose weight".  i know my body...i'm over the stint i did with an eating disorder years ago and in order for me to be the optimal me...i feel that i need to shed some extra packaging.  secondly, i also didn't want to hear about how what i'm doing is a glorified version of what i could figure out on my own.  i get that....i'm a smart cookie, and especially when it comes to food.  i can count calories with the best of them.  i wanted to do something to get some idea of portion control in to the scheme of things.  i fully also understand that me in a weight loss program is strictly a psychological, mind thing.  so, if i can play some tricks on my head...i'm good with that. 

anyway, i started today...i am so elated.  most of all, because i was NEVER hungry throughout the day, as i typically am.  i was shocked.  i'll keep you updated on progress.  kudos to nilsa on guiding me through some programs WITHOUT judgements...you "got" me! 

why do we do this?

you know when you are in a relationship that is just so horrible, that everyone around you can see it...but you?  i would say that i know these times...but i don't think that is an acurate statement.  i think we all KNOW when we are in these situations and to say that you do not know...is called DENIAL!

myself as well as everyone out there in life have been in one of these...or maybe 10.  but what it is about us that makes us put these blinders on?  especially that everyday that you are in it, could be one more that is more and more detrimental to you and your wellbeing? 

it's happened really only a couple of times when i've really wanted to have "the talk" with someone about who they are seeing and let me list the 97 ways that it is not good.  do i have a right to?  i don't know.  i've been in those situations and i'm not saying that im all above that...but will it really do any good. 

i had plenty of people approach me about a horrid relationship i was in.  i didn't listen.  i don't know when i "got" it.  but thank god, i did.  then, unfortunately, he moved on to another soul to prey on.  later, when i asked this person, "would it have done any good, had i found you and told you what he was like and what he had done?"  she said no.  i'm sure i would have seemed like a raving mad ex-girlfriend at the time.  but just take into consideration the things that could have been solved by just really listening?  or if i had listened to the person before me?  would i have, had she tried to contact me?  no, likely not.  but what if i had? 

i have a person that i have known since they were born.  i see them in this relationship with someone that, in many ways, i just think, is not a good person.  she is jealous, she is manipulative and it seems as if she is trying to gain by being with this person that i know.  very quickly, she has slid into all sorts of situations, put her children in them as well, and made the prospect of breaking up, almost impossible because how mean would that be to kick this woman AND her kids out of the house?  she has sealed together the common law marriage thing....although i don't know if SHE knows she has, but this makes me fearful for this person.  she makes comments in places if she is not treated "correctly" like, "do they not know who WE are?"  when everyone else is looking around going, "no, who are we?". 

in this case, the person's brother actually has gone out of his way to play "bad cop" here.  he has told the brother what schmuck this girl is, what she has done in the past, and overall, just what a not great choice they are making.  but in this, as many cases, is not heard and is instead treated like a home-wrecker. 

what do you do when you see someone's life going in the direction of a train wreck and you can't pull the brakes?

back to normal

Image by ~jjjohn~ via Flickr

you know, we talk about how hectic, boring, busy, lame, etc. our lives are.  but then there is a time when our lives get disrupted.  everything is thrown off....whether it be good or bad, it doesn't matter really.  it could be the excitement of a trip, or the downfall of an injury....it's just different. 

what i love is the part where you get to "go back to normal".  that sounds so boring and mundane when i hear it, but going back to normal is like putting on a big blanket. 

our lives are funny, in that people often think that when we are out and about, that we are the life of the party.   when we are out with friends, we both are the kind of people that are up for whatever...usually, it's us that think of the idea and we make it happen for everyone around us.  t is BIG into the idea of just having everyone around, having a good time.  so, we just work that way. 

what is funnier, is how home-centric we are.  i don't know if it's because of work, or school...but really, most of the time, we would rather be hanging out....doing nothing.  it just never seems to work out that way.  so for us, the normal day consists of work, working out, coming home, and one or both of us working, until it's time to go to bed.  do we like it?  i don't know.  but it's normal for us. 

what is your normalcy? 

take the time

in light of the latest assignment of my class, i would like to make a statement.  it's just a suggestion, mind you, but i think, a valid one. 

please, when you are going to mention something in your presentation 23 times....learn how to say it. 

i'm not trying to be mean, but everytime you said that word, it was like cats were slowly poking my eyeballs out....little....by.....little. 

what annoys you to no end?

the shortage

i love halloween...love it. 

it's my favorite holiday, but i HATE answering the doors for trick or treaters.  is that terrible?  i just can't stand it.  luckily t does that for us.  he was on his own this weekend, so he went on a trek to find pumpkins.  usually, pumpkins are abundant and you can find them, even when you don't want them. 

this year, however, was different.  we had a snowstorm here, in case you didn't hear, that was gigantic.  we pretty much got snowed in.  while cool, this storm hindered many a pumpkin carving in colorado, as saturday came and the semis full of pumpkins...not able to make it through. 

i come home, not knowing what i'll find....and have spaghetti squash "pumpkins" on the front step.  i will post pictures. 

what a weekend

Image via Wikipedia

it's been a busy one. 

my family has a tendency to have lot of funerals.  by lots, i don't mean that lots of people die...by lots i mean that typically when a family member passes away, we usually have a minimum of 2 services.  One is usually in that town that we alll live in and the other is in denver, at the buddhist temple there. 

while it is beautiful and a great rememberance, it also makes for some long days.  i mean, really long. 

what makes that all o.k. is the tradition behind everything.  i'm not buddhist, but many members of my family are.  although i have no idea behind the significance of many things, i love the consistency behind this religion.  it is mysterious but simple. 

the whole concept with death is that we were never mean to be here forever, that we were meant to move on and like turning of the seasons, our lives turn as well. 

in many asian cultures, i suspect, paying homage to your ancestors is huge.  they are what made you and in my family, especially, we saw a large amount of people traveling across the country to support my aunt and the rest of the family.  i don't think anyone likes funerals...ever.  but what i do think that it does, is allow you to go outside of yourself and give your support and love to someone else. i don't think that anything exemplifies this more than watching the buddhist ceremony and listening to the readings.  the theme for this was to give more than you take.  that is definitely what my uncle did.  he was quiet, he let my grandfather take care of the "outer world" and he stood behind the scenes.  he always made sure that his family was provided for and even though he never told anyone that he loved them, they never doubted that he was there to catch them if something were to happen. 

although, this happened all on halloween weekend, i really wouldn't have changed it. it's not an obligation to go to things like this at all, but i think it's because i've been raised in a family that has unconditional love.  it's not about showing up and proving yourself, but times like this, in our family are times to go inside yourself and show what is there. 

i'm a little strange

i know you likely know this already.  remember that post where i named my best friend's little girl?  yeah.  i have always had some weird fear of the psychic.  it's a love/hate thing.  i don't know what i think about it, and because of that, it scares me.  my mom is weird like that.  i lost this button when i was little, it was on a shirt that was really unusual, so it was very ornate.  i had lost it and couldn't wear the shirt because of it.  this one day, years ago, my mom goes walking outside with her robe on and her hat and moon boots and yells, "i know where your button is...i had a dream last night".  SCARY!!!!!  yes, she knew where it was...i dont' think i wore the shirt anyway, because that was creepy

well, this will combine two stories in one.  i mentioned a health scare some time back for t.  i'm sure by now, he has fully taken care of it, so not to worry.  what happened was that he started getting headaches when he would work out.  for some reason, i immediately thought "brain aneurysm".  i told him he should go to the doctor. 

the rest of the week went by and during this time, i had a dream.  i had this dream that my grandpa came back..yes, from the dead (i told you i was strange) and was here because he forgot something.  he was coming to get someone.  i FREAKED out and finally t went to the docs.  they did a CT scan and found something.  then, they did an MRI.  in the meantime, they told him to refrain from doing his job and to stay put.  um, yikes.  i was scared beyond belief.  i cannot tell you how freaked out i was.  then, when we were home, they called and said it wasn't an aneurysm...but probably scar tissue. 

i know...everyone is worried about him and i just know that he is going to get a second opinion on this...so we won't hound him too much.  especially since my mom is nagging him everyday. 

anyway...to move on....

i thought at the time that grandpa was coming back to get t.  but maybe not.  maybe he was coming back to show that it was o.k. and he was there for whenever george decides to cross over.  the thing that freaked me out more is that i haven't dreamt about my grandpa but two times.  the time before, was a few months ago...i was watching my grandpa and my uncle at our old cabin in estes park, co.  i have NEVER dreamt about my uncle until that time. 

i'm scary

when you don't want things to change

i talked about change earlier....what is hard is when change is very unwanted. 

we have this "changing" time a lot in my family around this time of year. 

it very rarely is the good kind. 

case in point: 

my paternal grandmother died in 1999 on Halloween night
my maternal grandfather died in 2000 in september
my maternal uncle died in september in 2003
my paternal grandfather died in december 2006
my dad got sick in the fall of 2007. 

my uncle george, who is my grandpa's brother and is 90...yes, 90, has fallen ill.  you would think by now, our family would run and hide when the leaves started changing..but we are still optimistic.  this is still my favorite time of year.  and no matter what it always will be.  we are hopeful that we will have so much more to look foward to in the fall.  i know we will....no matter what happens.  I just wish my family members strength through this time.  it is scary and sad when someone is sick.  i know.  and you would love to tell people that it's o.k. and "you'll get over the pain". 

but sometimes, sometimes the losses that we are hit with, are just too much. 

i never in a million years thought that i would think about someone every day that had left us.  until my grandpa did. 

i would love to say that in my head, that i got over it, and that i think fondly back everyday thinking about the times we had together, but i've come to realize now, that sometimes, there might be people who you don't "get over".  sometimes people are such a moving force to your lives, that you cannot get over them and everything around you and that you are made of...is about them. 

thank god for that. 

changes

this past weekend had some changes to it. 

first off, my BFF from third grade was in town with her sisters and new baby, lola.  i was a bit apprehensive.  you never know what it will be like to see the person that you grew up with, having a baby.  within seconds, everyone was piled in, curled up on our couches, gabbing away.  it was awesome.  the only difference was the lola pooped on the floor.  but she was so cute, we didn't care. 

i actually had some time this weekend to do my usually bi-monthly tradition of making bread.  this bread takes two days to make.  not like i'm standing there in the kitchen the whole time, but it tastes so good, it feels like I should have been.  it's that good.  we have almost gone through two loaves already. 

we had time to go to a hockey game for the first time this year.  nothing really too exciting in this, except that we had TIME to do it, without big looming deadlines over my head.  when they threw t-shirts into the audience, t exclaimed that he may want an eagles chick (which are the cheerleaders that dance during the hockey games...they also have mean age of 17).  after we weighed the thought and realized that jail time probably wasn't worth it...we finished watching the game. 

it was just nice...this relaxing bit.  i got my grade back from my big bad test.  i got a big bad A, so i'm not too worried about the rest of the semester.  it will get busy, no doubt.  but man, does that break in december look REALLY GOOD!!!

speaking of friends

o.k.  i know we weren't speaking of friends, per se, but my head was.  In a variety of ways, due to an abundance of activity in that way lately.  first off, the friend that i've had since third grade is here this weekend, with her baby.  exciting to meet lola...the kid i named, but really excited to see my friend.  this is a person which, if you asked me, would i be crushed and feel like I had broken up a long time marriage if i didn't see her again...the answer would be yes.  even more importantly, she is meeting t for the first time as well. 

secondly, a few weeks ago, i noticed that i hadn't heard from another old friend (2nd grade), in a while.  we usually go to lunch once a month or so.  she had a child when we were in high school, so he is in high school now...we laugh...this person gets me.  i do love her.  there is little to say about it other than, when i am with her and we have left whereve we met...i feel like i was just a "home" for a while.  i knew her well enough and know her well enough that she would be one of the few that would have run as fast as you can imagine into michael jackson's arms if he asked her to marry him.  yes, it goes that deep.  This friend, i hadn't heard from her in a bit and i noticed on facebook that someone said something about her being in l.a.  i thought this was weird.  so i wrote, "L.A.?"  and i got an email back stating that while she would like to, she it's simply too long to put in an email but she had taken off, left her husband and CHILD here and gone to l.a.  but again, too much to go into.  really  i've been your friend for 20 something years...and it's too much to go into.  i didn't know what to say...really...so i told her that i wished her the best and I hope that she's o.k.  something about ditching everyone you know and not telling them that you are moving to California doesn't seem o.k. to me. 

then, i have a friend whom i love.  we have not been in touch as much recently, and while i was planning on going to see her, i have since found out, i cannot afford to spend the money for the short amount of time that i would be there.  is that awful?   it's just something i can't do with the current state or lack thereof, of my finances. 

then t and i started discussing the evolution of friendships and what makes them now that we are nearing our 40s.  how hard it is to find "couple friends" who you feel fit into your lives.  how you will never be as close to them, because we have families now.  and as SoMi speaks states in her post "When those decisions arise, we need to be strong enough in our marriage and with each other to disagree with those around us. To choose what’s right for us."  i like this. i was talking to t and was telling him that we are in a precarious position.  we aren't sure if we will have kids in our lives.  it's almost like people are teetering on the brink of not knowing how to "treat" us yet.  it's like handling us with kid gloves, for lack of a better term.  after a health scare with t last week...i've realized, that while i don't want to be dependent on people...i also want and need people around for support. 

t and i talked about how when you are a "family" as we are, you find people that are into the "family".  how you find people that fit to you and you to them.  maybe you don't spend the time wtih them that you would have were you single, but you still gel. 



it is a fine line we walk, my friends.  how have you handled this in your relationships and friendships and getting older/evolving?

it's taking over the world

i have had numerous experience being a commercial realtor that have been enriching ones.  these are not them:

1.  a customer that blew wind then blew boogers all over the ground
2.  a customer that took 2 years of my life whilst i killed myself to find him some space, only to decide to "stay where he was"
3.  a customer that hired US and hasn't paid us for 3 years.
4.  my mom thinking that these men were coming after us with bats, when they really were just men carrying reems of upholstery fabric.

the latest trend is this:  for the past 2 months straight...we have had calls from people looking for space for medical marijuana distribution.  we have literally had at least 4 calls a week from different people looking.  this is amazing to me. 

then, today i got a call from a person looking for 8,000 sq. ft. to grow it in. 

what interesting things do you encounter with your jobs???

what i found today

it's that time of year

i would be remiss not to mention this date again....really...because as much as i think about it in my head, and as much as I talk to people about it, i simply cannot forget that this date was the one that started saving my dad's life. 

it's been two years today....not since the day of the transplant that my dad had, but two years ago that a family lost a son, a father, and a friend.  by all accounts, it seems as if he, like others, should have lived longer, he would have done good in the world, just by being there.  but for some reason, that day two years ago, something decided that he instead, had another path.  but it wasn't a split second accident that decided this fate.  it was the man's friend dying from liver disease a few years before that made him check that little box on his driver's license to say that he was an organ donor and then consequently he went on to save many lives that day. 

i can only speak from my perspective, but that man changed our lives that day by giving us more time with my dad.  it's been two years, but it doesn't change that fact that for every day that my dad is around, there is a family that mourns their own loss.  the fact that he saved so many, i'm sure, doesn't dull their pain.  it wouldn't mine. 

so....around this time, two years ago, i thought i heard the phone ring.  i panicked and noticed that i had not brought my phone downstairs with me.  I ran upstairs and was relieved to know that it hadn't rung...i was hearing things, hoping that the hospital would call and that my dad would be given a chance.  i picked up my phone and started walking downstairs....when the phone rang. 

it was the hosptial, looking for my parents, and for some reason, every phone that they had, hadn't rung when the hospital called.  i asked the hospital worker if she had to tell them something important, she said yes....

the in-betweens

being inbetween things is sometimes a very good thing...even though at the time, it may not always seem so.  take relationships for instance.  sometimes the time between relationships is a very good thing.  you may perceive that you are lonely and nothing is going right, but in reality, this is when we grow and become who we need to.  or inbetween jobs...yes, it sucks, the lack of money, the lack of social interaction due to the lack of general work interaction...but we typically end up with more knowledge of ourselves than when we started. 

i found out that there is one in between that sucks.  being in between in hair, is the worst possible time that i can imagine.  my hair, literally looks like some dry straw that is unlike any shade i have ever seen, on top of a head in the formation of a mullet.  it is so inbetween right now...i can't even give it justice.  There is not a lot of ways to style it, because...well, it's so inbetween.  i'm taking care of the discolored effect this weekend.....putting it back to the dark color that it's supposed to, the way that it looks healthiest. 

the mullet will remain...and i told my mom to shoot me if a time comes before the time that i turn 60 years old where i want to cut my hair off again

it was just too good...

i went to get my pills at the local pharmacy, right before i went on a trip.  i should know better...really i should.  but i went the day before i was leaving for said trip.  the prescription was done and they hadn't notified me of this.  they needed to call the doctor in order to get an extra added month and lo and behold, couldn't get a hold of anyone in the time that we needed.  i decided to forego the pills for the month.  ugh. 

then, i got back from my trip, had gotten a call from the pharmacy stating that my pills were avialable to be picked up.  I did so, and when i did, was expecting the normal "this is your last package...you must make an appointment in order to get these again."  but instead, was greeted with the news that they had refilled my prescription for  another YEAR!  AMEN!  prayers answered.  yes, i thought it was strange and in fact, had the pharmacist double check this information.  he did, said yes, i have another year and there we go. 

needless to say (you see where this is going), i went to call in my prescription this month and was told, that no, i couldn't pick them up, there was not an authorization for another prescription.  i argued....not even really effectively, with the same pharmacist, because he even remembered teling me that...but he just didn't know what information he was looking at to get that information.  it was a mistake.  that, I get.  however, the results of this mistake, are that he cannot fill my prescription and instead, i must make an appointment, get a check up, etc. in order to get my pills. 

i had an appointment scheduled, but it's for later this month...as you see, i was being proactive and not waiting another year to get an appointment. 

ARGH!

slight difference

Image by defekto via Flickr

we have a midterm test coming up on Monday of next week. 

you know, i'm looking at the midterm as a gauge for the rest of the class.  not so much as a "oh my god, if i don't get an A, i'm going to quit school" type of thing, but more in the sense of, "well, i'm going to see what i can do and what i have learned and what i need to focus on for the remainder of the class" 

apparently, others are not of the same mindset. 

following: true comment and delivered with the most serious of expressions yesterday when we were discussing the midterm:

"guys, i'm just letting you know ahead of time, if something seems wrong with me after the midterm....i'm planning on getting wasted the entire month of november"

bottoms up!

this whole thing....

sometimes i marvel about this whole internetty blogging thing.  i love it. 

it is so funny that years ago, i had no idea that there was this girl in New Jersey that was hapa, like me, and that i would share so many things with and be friends with for years to come.  the fact that we met face to face...amazing.  the fact that i think we would be friends if we were to live in same place...even more amazing. 

the fact that I get wrapped up in the stories of a handful of people's lives and know about the ins and outs of their days?  that's fantastic. 

I had and have had instances where people that I'm reading about have fallen off the face of the earth...and the same has happened to me too.  i get notes of concern after a while....it's all so awesome. 

when you see friends in everyday life, you KNOW something is going on with them.  you know it.  you may not know it that day, or month, but you eventually find out. 

i have thoughts that with this internet friendshippy thing that you may NOT know when something happens.  No one is forced to write when they are feeling down and for that matter,they don't have to act sad when they really are sad.  you could act happy and no one would know the difference.  

i think that these friendships are based much more on trust than a typcial one.  trust that a person will let you know if something is not right.  trust that they trust the internet as a whole to put their thoughts down and trust that you will not be vile with their real thoughts, if they so choose to put them down in writing. 

i love it

off kilter

Image by Matthew Stewart | Photographer via Flickr

some might say that I've asked for this by taking on a grad degree while working and not just working here or there and having to be present...but working and having to be good at it. 

i started to get this degree so that 1.  i could work in the schools and make enough money to do so and live with food and shelter 2.  to do something that i really thought that i'd like 3. to eventually take pressure off of myself

what has happened has been tragic, at the very least.  i found myself wondering at the very beginning, "wow, how will i get through 3 years of this?" and now i wonder, "wow, how will i get through the rest of the month of this?"

i pin it mostly on one, changed around, disorganized, ridiculousness of a class.  i have one class on monday and one on tuesday.  my other class for the semester, is actually a class that is held...only on two weekends throughout the semester and only for Friday and Saturday from 9-4pm.  SUPPOSEDLY.  these dates for this class were scheduled when we scheduled ourselves, so in a nutshell, we knew when we were taking classes.  two weeks into the semester, however, the instructor comes to one of our other classes and says something to the effect of "oops, i messed up, i scheduled your class when i have another to teach, we will then move it to the most ridiculously inconvenient weekends that it possilbly could be so that we can F*%& up your life".  or something like that. 

hence, it was then scheduled for the weekend that i was to be gone in Duluth.  then, the second round was then going to be the weekend before our midterm. 

i understand being flexible, i really do.  i can leave work at a moment's notice to do things with school...really, i can.  but what i cannot do is make more hours in my days.  and this, as i see it, is the problem. 

because of this backlog of items in the agenda now, for the next week, i need to 1. write a paper by tuesday 2. study for my midterm, since i will be in class all next weekend. 2. put together an organizational study 3.  study statistics 4. work 40 hours 5.  give hi fives to t as we pass each other in the darkness of morning.  did I forget something?

it all came to a head as t was frustrated that i have been very absent lately and he never sees me.  part of this is my study habits.  it's hard for me and always has been, to sit in a chair and study.  torturous, some might call it.  but, on the flip side, it is this habit that takes me away from studying in the office where he works.  so, that will be fixed.  though this is nice to have an easy fix to this issue...it does nothing for my need to add some extra hours in my days.