humbled

in a couple ways...i am humbled.  first off, my husband is genius.  really.  not only, when i asked him how to approach a presentation, did he give a fantastic idea...but he really gave an idea that would 1.  make me have a good presentation, but also, 2.  make me have a better life. 

i chose a topic the other week about what i was doing an assignment on.  I was the first one to choose and I chose the topic of gay and lesbian students in schools.  we were to have an assignment on this, we didn't know what it would be, but we needed, for some reason, at that second, to choose the topic.  so, i did.  i chose it really...well, because it's controversial and i thought it may be easier than some of the other ones.  seriously...i was that shallow. 

i brought the presentation up to my husband yesterday after i had gotten my instructions for the assignment.  he has a good head for what makes something good.  he said something to the effect of, "you need to have expereinces in there, have people that experienced things like that talk about what that was like".  so....i did. 

i sent out a fairly crude email to my friends that i knew are gay.  basically, i am interested in their experiences and then when i started thinking about it more...i really was.  i thought, "i was friends with these people and i don't think they had a hard time of it really at all..." 

i have gotten an overwhelming response to this.  i mean, overwhelmingly, as in, "I just got smacked upside the head" type overwhelming.  not as in, i've had many responses to this, but the ones that I have had, have made me stop breathing and my heart start pounding when i read them. 

i have read the most heartbreaking stories that i have ever heard from people that i was around every single, stinkin' day.  and i had no idea. 

i am sorry

stay tuned

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i'm refining my relationship with this thing.  but i'll tell you a few things about it.  it's not nearly as entertaining as you all.  it sucks at conversation.  and watching video tapes of it for 12 hours makes me crazy. 

pics from duluth

my streak is gone...

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so, out of the last 4 people that i've known being pregnant, i've guessed 4 correctly as to the sex of their baby.  i just wanted to let you all know that the streak is over.  so, when you call or write and ask me to put my turban on...it may be wrong. 

just the same, i'm thrilled for my friend that she is having a girl.  she had one of those fancy dancy ultrasounds where you see everything in 3D and after badgering the doctor to pieces on if she was 100% positive that it was a girl, she believed her.  but not until the doc told her that if she were wrong in this, she would come over and paint the baby's bedroom blue for them with her own hands. 

so, that being said, folks...my career as a baby guesser is over.  i'm on to be a school psychologist

wow

when traveling with other people for extended amounts of time, you can get a sense of what it would be like to live with them, abiet a brief glance.  this is why, most of the time, i find myself understanding why i am married to who i am.  i don't get tired of him and don't think that what he does is weird (o.k., he is weird, but not to THAT extent). 

i guess i have only been in the relationships that i have been in.  the one that i am in now, allows me to be frank about things.  this is nice, for a couple of reasons, but most of all, because i've found it to be exhausting to NOT say things about things that i think may offend.  i DO NOT, on a regular basis, say things to offend people...even when i'm speaking my mind. 

what i've found however, is that, when people get married, apparently it is inexcusable and punishable by death if you think that someone else is remotely attractive. 

we had instances this weekend where, t was looking at someone and so was his friend....in the process of this, his friend commented "we're going to hell".  really?  you are going to hell because you are GLANCING at some girls appendages that obviously she wanted you to look at because she pushed them up to her neck in hopes that someone would see them and give her some self-confidence?  i had no idea that constituted the trip to hell. 

another case: me and a friend are standing around after a race and quite literally, for the first time ever with this friend, i made a comment like, "that guy is really good looking, he's one of so-and-so's friend and he is also really nice".  i got the vulcan death look (whatever that is) and a snippy comment to the effect of "i woudn't look at him...he's gay...just get him out of your head".  WHAT? 

last year, same trip, my friend was making a comment about something that she had done and said, "I looked exactly like that man there"  I thought it was funny, as this man was about 12 inches shorter than she, and was very round.  i said, jokingly, "you were a short, fat, bald man?"  i got called a bitch, if i remember correctly.  this year, we are at the expo, in that exact moment in that clip from the post before and out of nowhere i head, "wow, that news reporter is a fat ass, i mean, her ass is really big...ewww" 

what is your experience in traveling with people or spending a lot of time around people other than those that you know every idiosyncracy about?  do you edit yourself? 

i'm famous

we're back!  it's always a little bit of a let down to come back from the duluth trip.  typically, it means that:

1. we had a great time
2. that we have to go back to reality

we are not back in the "reality" section of life.  i came back to the realization that school didn't shrivel up and die while i was gone and *sigh* neither did my job. 

what i did come back with, though, is my new found fame in duluth.  i know, i know, you thought i couldn't take anymore things on my plate and now i'm all having to sign autographs and sh*t. 

here is my clip of fame.  watch 1:06-1:10 on the left hand side of the screen, we're in maroon shirts

i guess i must have forgotten...

Image by southgeist via Flickr

tomorrow, we are leaving at 3:45a.m. for minnesota...again.  this is the granddaddy of all the inline races!  the northshore inline marathon is one of the most fun places to be.  with participants in the thousands (yes, i said thousands) it is truly awesome.  you end the race, coming down a huge hill, into this crowd of thousands of spectators.  it is such a great time, i can't even tell you.  yes i can...i am.  and i'll tell you MUCH more when i return. 

who knew?

Image by pixieclipx via Flickr

i went to my school psych. shadowing experience the other day. i walked in, careful to dress conservatively, young, and "safe". 

i walked in and noticed that many of the kids were taller than me.  i thought that this was weird...especially because i'm not necessarily short.  i'm 5'6"-5'7".  then i noticed that the girls were dispproportionately taller than me than the boys were.  my brain is racking...this doesn't make sense. 

then i notice, what must be the latest trend in HIGH SCHOOLS,  PEOPLE. 

5 inch heels make all the difference in the world. 

how to know when you've become your own person...

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when someone questions your motivations for doing things and if it was "because" of them that you did them and you realize...."why no...it wasn't at all because of you and in fact, it's been a while since i've considered what you are doing when i make my plans"

i had a shocking realization today and really, it was so shocking, that i couldn't prep myself for it.  :)

i had this "pleasing" thing going on for a while my whole life.  i will do anything for anyone and for the first 33 years of life, that meant giving up anything that i had for them, giving up any plans that i had, for them, and just in general, being one of those people that were there at a moment's notice. 

i was literally sitting there just minding my own business...honestly, not thinking anything of anything, and listening to t mention when he was on call.  i didn't hear what he said...figured that he was telling me for a reason, so i asked what date it was again. 

now, in the past, me finding out that information would have entailed me 1. either making sure my schedule was clear to go hang out with him or 2.  making sure that i had something to do that day with someone that i hadn't seen in a while. 

early in our relationship, t had pointed out that this was not becoming behavior.  in fact, it was needy and clingy feeling, even if that's not what i had intended.  i listened, but really didn't do a whole lot about it.  this continued on...i'm sure, with t feeling ick and me just going along the way that i had. 

i think it was a little bit after my dad had gotten better, i just started realizing how i couldn't do that anymore.  in fact, i think it was when i took a trip with him to the Bighorn river, just the two of us, and we didn't have any communication with the outside world.  i just started "being" for lack of a  better word. on top of that, i think i realized how much better t and i were when i did my own thing.  we were that couple that i liked being around and not that lopsided one that you cringe at.  so, at some point, i decided to take my favorite theme...fake it til you make it, and run with it.  i did...i remember consciously making myself fake being this person for i don't know...maybe a couple weeks.  then apparently...i must have "made" it.

all that to say, that, not in a mean way, but i haven't thought twice in quite a while about how my schedule will coincide with t and how i must be doing things when he is...because, well....it was exhausting.  i was living two people's lives instead of the one that i had.  so...not even consciously thinking about this...a shift was made in my head. 

when i asked t what date he was on call, it was not good.  it brought up every feeling in him that he had had when i was being somewhat needy a leech.  he questioned me and first reaction on my end....was shock.  then, on top of the shock....a realization of how funny it was that i hadn't thought of that in ages.  i had, through no intent on my own...just stopped thinking about other people and was living life the way that i had wanted for about a year.  selfish...maybe, but such a salient switch from the way things were in my head that i almost laughed at how free i'd felt in the past year. 

granted, and point taken, that there have been times when t has worked and i've asked when he was working, then happened to go do something during that time.  but i guess the big difference has been in my head....where, i knew that even if he wasn't working, doing other things...that i would be doing whatever it was that i had planned for myself.  i've gone to more things by myself in the past year, than i think i have...well....ever. 

it is awesome. 

I may have only a slight problem

I was raised in a house that was a little different. I was raised on broadway musicals, plays, the theater, and food. By my dad. There are few things that I remember about growing up with my dad, which, I understand, is sad. But I remember many pieces of these things that go along with him. And no…he's straight He's the type of guy that has bought the same restaurant review book for years, and when he sees the author, he somehow knows her and goes to speak with her about her choices. He will not live further than 10 miles away from work, but he will drive hundreds of miles for food…but only if he's sure it will be worth it.

He will hear about a restaurant from specific people and if someone makes enough of a fuss about something...he'll be there, probably by that weekend. He passed this on to me, I think.

I love watching food tv. I will watch the travel channel, but only if it has something to do with food. On top of that, I'm finding myself buying concert tickets, not to Blink 182 or Greenday, but instead to a night of listening to Anthony Bourdain. I'm planning a trip to San Francisco with the main goal of hitting restaurants that I've seen on tv. Oh yes, I'm also meeting my friends baby. I get excited about food.

I see one thing possibly hindering this. That would be my latest lack of meat consumption. This will only stop me some, mind you. I tried some tofu and black bean enchiladas last night…they were spectacular.

is this making us more connected or further apart?

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i went to the school library the other day...granted, it's been a good 9 years since i've stepped foot in one of those, but i found a profound change happening there. 

i walked in and headed to the computers to do some searching for some books, and noticed that there was only one computer open.  i also noticed that for the most part, the students on the gobs of computers there, were freshmen.  you may ask how i know, but you know as well as i do....there is a certain look.  anyway, after researching some, my curiousity got the best of me and i thought, "i wonder what freshman class has them working in the library in the first week?"  so, i sneaked a peek.  all of them were on the same thing....

FACEBOOK

that is weird, no?  they were all typing away like mad.  some were playing "farmtown", others were smiling as they were talking to high school friends.  all in all, a good atmosphere. 

then i started thinking about my own facebook experience.  how the one person that i have on there that is a college freshman, ALWAYS is writing posts to her high school friends.  they have full on conversations on their facebook walls.  Facebook is linked to their phones, computers, brains. 

i didn't have that when i was in school...and in fact, i don't think we really emailed all that much during my freshman year.  if we wanted to talk to friends, it had to be on the phone. 

i'm wondering how facebook and the things like it make it for college freshmen?  is it making them more connected with old friends, and less of a necessity to connect with new ones? 

the cake

the center of this party that i planned last weekend, was supposed to be the cake.  it needed to be specially made, with our dairy free cake mix, and then, i wanted a Simpsons theme.  Maybe too much to ask?  Maybe too much emphasis on something that could go wrong?  i didn't think so, mainly because i was having someone do it that does this, on a regular basis, for BIG events, like weddings and the like.

i was willing to pay a lot for this cake, because i also knew that this was out of the ordinary, and that this person is extra talented. so, we'll just leave it at that.  i was willing to pay for the time and effort that was going into making this cake very detailed and perfect. 

well, as you know, things happen.  like, the cake maker trips and destroys the cake the night before when delivering it to the decided on location.  after this, things were a bit up in the air.  my mom was hysterical, calling me at a party,where i really couldn't talk, because t was standing right there.  i was calling the cake maker and after having her assure me that she could redo it, with the one box of cake mix that she had AND make it milk free....o.k. 

people react to stress in different ways.  i guess that in this instance...if this was me, i would have reacted with something between hysteria, knowing that someone was paying me insane amounts of money to deliver something up to my caliber, and well...more hysteria.  i would have said, i could still get a cake done, however, it would be nowhere near as detailed as the first and really, wouldn't look much better than a turd compared to my other work.  there was none of this, in this instance.  

the cake was made, it was small...really small.  and yes, the simpsons characters were cute, but nothing that i couldn't have done, had i had some time, fondant, and an exacto knife. 

she charged me half price on the cake....do i think this was fair?  i don't know.  i had a hard time answering when she asked me what i thought of the cake.  so, i really didn't know what to say to that?  what would you say? 

i have an excuse

Image by GasBombGirl via Flickr

i have an excuse why i haven't written a lot lately.  when i've written, i've have plenty to write about, however, a certain someone (t) couldn't know what i was scheming in my head.  muhahahaha!!!!
On top of school, work, this, that, and the other, i've been planning a surprise party.  it was filled with guilt, me thinking that he knew the entire time, sneaky emails, sneaky phone calls, a dropped cake, a new cake, awesome friends, and knowing where he is loved.  it was AWESOME.  pictures to follow...

in one day

Image by janusz l via Flickr

things can turn around. it's amazing when something weighs on you much and so heavily for so long, that you didn't even know it was there.  then it is gone....and you can breathe deeply and live fully

two sides of the coin

isn't it weird when you are thinking about an issue and you realize that there is another way to look at it?  i mean, you've been tra-la-laing your way through life for 30 something years and would have never in a milllion years though of that way of thinking about it?  a way that is SO completely opposite than you were thinking, that it never even entered your head?  you get the idea.

i don't really know why i know about d.j. a.m., other than just hearing his name here and there.  i don't know a lot about him, other than the fact that he was involved in a horrific plane accident, where he "should" have died.  and then a few days ago, i heard that he had.  then i heard that he had 9 oxy-cotin in his system. 

i had always assumed, and i guess this was ingrained in my head since birth, that if i were to survive a horrid accident and were completely intact, able to walk, talk, love....that i would end up making even more of my life than i did before. not that i'm not doing everything i can now...but that i would have an even deeper appreciation for many things....one that you cannot have, unless you were to go through something like that. 

even something that has not happened to me has made me look at things differently, specifically the day i reference HERE and HERE.  before this, a lot of things were a big deal to me.  things that weren't a big deal were a big deal.  and then suddenly, they weren't, because something really big had happened that put things in perspective. 

i can't imagine being so sad about a breakup that i would even think of doing anything to harm myself, after having miraculously lived the year before.  then, i started thinking how there must be many other things that i will not experience, that other people will, that i will not be able to get my head around...and likely, these people will be clients and i will need to dig to fathom that. 

oh lord...you'd better watch out!

Found this on Juni's site today. This is a fantastic idea...i mean, really good.  let's do it!  i'm not sure that i have enough on my plate today.  just FYI, for people wondering what they may get...i crochet, and also make jewelry.


The first five people to respond to this post will get something made by me, especially for you. This offer does have some restrictions and limitations:


1- I make no guarantees that you will like what I make but I hope you will.


2- What I create will be just for you...or your kid....or your pet toad


3-They say I have a year to get it to you. But I promise it will NOT take that long.


4- You have no clue what it's going to be. (nor do I at this point! :)

The catch? You must re-post this on your blog and offer the same to the first 5 people who do the same on your blog.


So the first five people who post, and are willing to pass it along,will get a handmade gift in the mail from me. When you get it, make sure you post a pic on your blog! Let's have some fun!

a couple of things...

i've made it through week two of school.  i say this today, because i only have class monday and tuesday.  it's going well, but i've found that on wednesdays the fingernails screeching on a chalkboard feeling happens on my eyelids, regardless of what time i go to bed.  i'm assuming at this point it's the time on the computer.  i did buy some new glasses for $19 the other day.  yes, hold your applause...i don't know how well they are going to turn out considering i had to enter my own eye information in and i have no earthly clue what those numbers mean on that prescription.  hold your laughter too, when i fall down in the midst of a whole university and i come here to tell you about it.  there was no rhyme or reason to me filling the numbers in...i just typed them in where they looked good.  i'll update you when they come

secondly, i went to the university gym last night for the first time....figured, what the heck?  i'm on campus and there's a gym.  um, no...what i failed to think of, is the fact that it would be me...and freshman attending this gym.  there were people there that, you could tell, had no lifted a weight before IN THEIR LIFETIME.  and yet, there were there, strutting around, showing their freshman stuff.  not sayin' i wasn't there at some point too, but there you have it....the way i knew this?  because i was the only person in there that was consistently working out...seriously.  it was a gab fest and body image nightmare for those people.  throughout some point of it, i thought, "MAN, am i glad i'm not there anymore and i don't care what people think" 

travel reciprocation???

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you know when you have those friends?  those friends that are so fun to be around, and for some reason, those friends ALWAYS live in cool places.  don't get me wrong, i think that colorado is a cool place and i understand that people pay good money to come visit.  but for some reason, it's always me that seems to be traveling to see people.  why is that, when we live in such a "cool" place? 

even more so...is there some kind of a travel reciprocation that needs to happen before you start feeling taking advantage of?  like your state isn't good enough for them?  i have a friend, who, quite literally, has never gone somewhere to see me.  she has come to colorado, but never with the intention of seeing me while she was there.  as in, "i got a long layover and let's hang" type of thing.  i'm not at all questioning my friendship with this person...but you get where i'm coming from?  i think.