you'll have to forgive me...

since i had 4 days off, i decided apparently to shut down to life of any kind.  i rarely touched my computer, unless it had to do with a mindless computer game that i was playing "because i could". 

i was expecting this break to get me motivated and back on track.  it didn't do that.  it's a tough case.  I don't know if it's the working two jobs thing that is getting to me, or the actual job itself.  i'm not sure.  i'm thinking that it may be the two jobs thing.  i was banned from one job last week, due to my mother feeling like, if the one job wouldn't let me have time off for feeling bad, then she was going to make it mandatory that i be off on her watch.  it made life easy....er.  it wasn't great, but it was easier. 

we did the turkey trot on Thursday.  This is the one that we've done for three years now.  it was a good time and we all agreed, our best race yet.  it was a longer, 4 mile one, so it paved the way for some good thanksgiving eating this year at mom and dads!

we were going to sign up for another Chirstmas 4 miler, but to be honest, the cold may get to us.  it's HARD to get up and go run a race in 15 degree weather and to be honest, not something i really want to do on a regular basis.  so, well see.

we happened upon a website yesterday and t just had to show me.  it was a weight loss site, but he was really impressed by it, so i figured i had to watch.  i'm not all for gimmicky things...o.k., o.k., maybe i bought a steam shark, as seen on TV.  or maybe i've bought one or two things that you see on infomercials, but i've never bought them off the informercials...does that count?  anyway, this woman, who is a nutritionist had an eating plan on there that was amazingly honest and truthful.  it coordinated everythign that i believed in, along with some things that i knew in my head (like diet coke is NOT a food group).  it had to do with liver toxicity and the amount of toxins we put in our bodies and what our bodies do with that.  it had to do with clean eating and it enforced the idea that has been lingering in my head that i've been eating too little to lose weight.    Case in point, i ate like a PIG this weekend and lost weight. 

anyway, it was super cheap, we got all the materials immediately and seriously, was probably one of the best investments i've made.  the only thing is that you have to prepare ahead of time...this is tough, as i hardly have enough hours in the day to breathe, let alone plan breakfast, lunch, and two snacks. we'll see how it goes.  i'm really excited. 

unconditional

i was thinking about what people strive for when they have children?  or what they strive for when they so desire a relationship?  what is it that drives us to these things, that may or may not be in the cards for us? 

i personally think that it's the want/need for unconditional love.  you may have this with your siblings, but since i don't have siblings, i think that i've always been looking for it.  i know that my parents will not be around forever, and with them, goes my notion of being unconditionally loved by someone. 

this is not to discredit my marriage at all.  there are things, however, that my parents would put up with and love me unconditionally through, that i wouldn't expect any spouse to do under any circumstances. 

i think that people have children with this same wish and i can't say that it's a thought in my head when i think of the pros and cons of having children.  it's a lonely prospect thinking of life without the two people that have been with you through everything and then some.  the idea of bringing in a life to share this same experience with is definitely appealing to me for some of these reasons.  i wonder if i'd have those same thoughts if i had siblings? 

relief!!!

so, this week has really been horrible.  i didn't get treated correctly for the kidney infection and ended up back in urgent care for 2 hours the other night.  luckily, this doctor was really competent and great.  i'm going to be on meds for a week and then hopefully, it'll all be better.  in the midst of this, i've been working about 2-3 hours overtime a day, not getting a lunch break and not being very happy.  what made it even more not happy is that i realized that in order to ever catch up, i would have to work this weekend. 

the job isn't one that can just wait.  things have to get done and it's not a matter of putting it off for a day or so.  we hired 200 new employees in 5 days and we had to process them all if they wanted to be functional employees for this holiday season. 

i think that things could have been done differently about it, so that is frustrating. 

but, all in all, i worked about 5 hours today, then got to come home. 

FINALLY, i got to get my computer looked at, as my mouse isn't working on it.  i found out that i'd have to complete do a restore on my computer....SCARY!!!!  i hope that does the trick though...i'm spoiled, but using the touchpad is driving me batty!!!  i stepped into TJMAXX and didn't buy a thing, which was great.  we registered for the ft. collins turkey trot, which we've done for the past two years.  our friend is coming up to do it with us this year, then we're heading over to mom and dad's for thanksgiving.

i cannot tell you how incredibly excited i am that i'll have 5 days off at the end of this week.  i have never needed it more than i do this week....very greatful!!! 

mish mash

so, this week started out with a bang...or more distinctly, a kidney infection.  no kidding.  it was so sudden on 10p.m. sunday, i headed out to walgreens to get some of that stuff that makes you pee orange so that I could make it through the night.  

i went to the doc the next day and he was SO nice.  he explained that yes, it was a UTI that was climbing in my kidneys, that my blood pressure was elevated, so we'd need to check it again...that he would give me many refills for this prescription, so that I may take it if it happened again....that he would send the sample to be cultured so that he could get me on the most effective medicine ever.  turns out none of these things happened.

two days later, it hurt to walk...nothing was better.  so i called the urgent care place and explained this and asked what my culture had shown.  "what culture?  there wasn't ever one ordered." she said.  i explained that on my discharge paperwork, it clearly stated that one had been ordered and that i would hear from them.  well...apparently mister nice doctor had some memory issues that day and forgot to follow up on all THREE THINGS!

so, i found myself in the urgent care, once again....for two hours this time, but with a wonderful doctor that was amazing and put me on the right track.  this remids me, however, that i need to find a doctor in the city i live in...not the city i work in, that is 45 minutes away. 

in the midst of this, we're training for a 4 mile run on thanksgiving!  We're doing the Fort Collins Turkey Trot!  It's been our tradition for three years now and I love it!!!

work is hectic, like unbelievably so.  I'm finding myself having to go home, with so many things undone, i can't believe it.  i put on a lunchtime speaker thing yesterday.  it was comical. the woman that came in was to talk about healthy eating throughout the holidays.  what came across however, was the fact that she was a very angry person who thinks that everything is poison.  we'll just say her delivery turned a lot of people off...but her product lured people in.  most everyone signed up for an appointment with her, including me!  i'll update you on how that goes next week. 

I'm thinking that i need to get some Vibrams.  i know....i've talked about them forever....but i'm feeling the needs for them now. 

that's all for now. 

technical difficulties...

i'm sorry that i've changed my page design, oh, about 3 times in the past three days.  it likely won't stay where it is now either. 

i have a fear of blog page commitment.  i'll admit it.  it is HARD for me to go a month or two without changing it up.  it's like a primal need to change the look of my page. 

i'm trying to make it to the weekends, when i have some time to look great templates up and really create something amazing.  i promise...i'll do it.  but until then, it may look different each time you show up!

the other morning...

you may wonder what these three things have in common.  until the other morning, i had no idea either.  luckily, it came together into a fantastic way to start the day. 

yesterday morning, i was leaving to go to work.  i think it was around 5 a.m., so it was still very dark out.  i drove about a block and realized that i didn't have my phone.  after swearing a bit, i turned around, and started back home.  my headlights shone on a person running.  my first thought was, "who the hell runs at 5 a.m in the dark, they must be insanely hooked...or crazy?"  secondly, i'm still looking at this person and they have THE WORST form i have ever seen.  what made it this way, is that they weren't using their arms....at all.  my headlights were only shining on their bottom half, but i could still see that their arms weren't anywhere NEAR their waist.  second thought, "why would someone, who had no running form whatsoever, be up at 5 a.m. running?" 

lastly, i looked at the person's clothes.  they were wearing their freakin' underware.  i'm not kidding.  i'm glad i didn't plow into the neighbor's car parked on the street, but at this point, i was almost scared in my own car and couldn't wait to get home and tell t what i had just witnessed...crazy bastard running.

i got to where i was pretty much side by side with this lunatic and realized that this, ladies and gentlemen, was my husband.

 he was running, brushing his teeth, with my phone in his hand, holding it out, shoulder height, so that i could see it. 

t, thank you for my phone, but more importantly, thank you for the visual.  i hate to say that i will likely be telling this story for years. 

weighty issue

i have heard so many stories lately about this topic that i just feel very compelled to speak about it.  it's a vulnerable one for me and i know, for a lot of people out there. 

weight. 

it's been the bane of my existance since college....even when it didn't need to be. in college, i had an eating disorder.  it consisted of, to put it literally...not eating.  it was not about what i weighed...i looked fine at the time, but it was also what was going on in my head that would end up being either the thing that turned me around or killed me.  i was down to 80 something pounds, i felt like crying every second of every day, my heart rate was so low, that they finally put me in a hospital, and i finally knew what it mean in life to be hopeless.  truely. 

it took work to get out of that.  and by work, probably the hardest work that i've ever had to do.  have you ever tried retraining a brain...not an easy task.  but i did, and lived a healthy life, until the ex came in the picture.  i think i weighed a healthy 120 pounds.  for some reason, any little mention of losing weight, made me think that i needed to jump on the bandwagon and, what the heck....Atkins diet sounded "fun" at the time.  my ex thought that since he was doing it, i should (for WHAT?)  and like a moron, i did it.

yeah, not so fun when you go off of it and gain and gain.  i put on a lot of weight, sometimes eating barely anything at all....and finally, after leaving the ex, it literally melted off.  i worked out and at normally, and it all came off. 

fast forward to a year ago.  i had put on some weight...nothing astronomical, but it was a bell that went off in my head...i didn't want to get back to where i was and get panicked to lose weight and do unhealthy things to get rid of it quickly.  so, i got my body bugg.  it's awesome.  it has allowed me to lose about 17 pounds in the past few months.  in the beginning it allowed me to see exactly what i was burning on a day that i was working out, and a day when i was not....if you think i don't know the calories of things from my previous days, you would be mistaken, so i would just do a simple equation, or more accurately, the bodybugg does, and voila! 

for some reason, with this new system, i have not thought about calories as much.  maybe because the bugg is doing it for me?  i don't know...it freed my mind for a while. 

i was having breakfast with my friend this weekend and we were talking about a variety of things involving her husband and she made a comment that three months after she had given birth to their baby, her husband told her that he was "disappointed that she had not lost all her baby weight by that point"  it infuriated me to hear that, because she looks fantastic.  then i realized how deeply that this had gone with her.  this was 2 years ago that this was said.  she was devastated that this had been said and carried it with her now.   was it motivating to her to lose weight....not in any way.  did it break her down a little...yes. 

i started realizing the difference in the way that men and women process comments about weight.  and maybe its not men and women, but maybe it's more of a difference in the way someone has processed issues with weight in the past. 

when i have been consistently losing weight and someone says something to effect when i tell them all the activity i do, "why is it not coming off faster"....not motivating to me.  in my head, unlike maybe a lot of other people's, i automatically go to the place of desparation.  "they are right, why am i not doing this faster?"  when someone comments that a 90 pound person could be really cute...it fires off in my head as "yes, that's true", discounting the fact that when i was at that point, i felt like i was the most miserable person in the world and that my heart wasn't functioning properly. 

i don't know why my body does or does not do things....i'm not sure.  t asks why it is that when i start working out a lot, why i gain a lot of muscle and therefore gain weight....i don't know.  if i could stop it, knowing what goes on in my head about weight, don't you think that i would?   the fact that my bones are way more brittle now than they should be....not cute. 

on the right is what 80 pounds looks like....not cute. and oh, not to mention that this is what killed her. that is definitely not cute. so when i hear comments like that, be it from anyone, man/woman, child or adult....it makes my insides want to scream. because you have no idea what it takes to get away from that and at times i wonder if i ever WILL be away from it. and if you don't get away from it, your other option is death.

when i think about this issue, i wonder what has triggered other people.  it was one of my main focuses in working in the schools...i had never had someone say something to me in schools, but you cannot even imagine the things that people say to kids now.  and it's NOT just the kids....adults can be mean too. 

if you are someone that hasn't had issues with weight (and i don't believe there are many out there), please think about what you say.  to the majority of people that i know, it likely affects them differently than it would affect you. don't be flippant about it....because the chances are that the person you are talking to will not just let a comment go, if they've had any issues like this in their life and research states the majority of people have.  comments are sometimes hurtful, even though we are not intending them to be that way. 

the dream

well, i had to refrain from letting everyone know what was going on, until i knew what was actually going on myself. 

i had a job offer last week.  as cool and awesome as this company is, i am going to refrain from taking it.  i just don't think that it's the right position for me at this time.  i LOVE where i work now and absolutely love the people there, and there are chances to excel in many different ways there....so for now, the best move for me, is to stay there. 

i would ask myself if this was purely a non-financially motivated decision, what would i do?  but there really is no reason to stress about it, because where i am right now...it is.  it is what it is and i'm making the best decision for me right now! 

and that, my friends, i am THRILLED about. 

about to crap my pants

i know, classy, right?  but, it's really what i'm feeling right now...no, not literally, but my insides feel like they need to be on my outsides right now.

remember that whole pursuing dreams and passions thing?  well, let's just say, i took that and ran with it.  i'm going to find out an answer today to a question that has been in the works for at least the past month.  it's been nagging on me, i think it's contributed to my anxiety...but mostly because i may need to make a decision on a very risky proposition.  one that could give me great joy, but incur great risk at the same time

i'll be back later to update you on the situation!

the house of dreams

we've had some weird happenings in our house lately.  dreams are the main cause of it.  and when i say weird, i mean WEIRD.  t had one the other night that was SO bizarre, i'm not really going to even mention what it was on here.  i dream some weird stuff, but his topped mine by leaps and bounds and i'm not even going to get into analyzing the dream. 

First off, let me tell you a bit of reality.  we go to sleep with the T.V. on and it's on a timer that was set to turn off the T.V at 12 a.m.  it's been this way for years.  we've gone through power outages, etc. and it's always worked, we never have had to change or reset this. well, on Halloween, our power went out...for some reason, since this time, our t.v. hasn't been turning off at it's set time. t set it up again the night before last and it still wasn't working, therefore t.v. on all night.

Image via Wikipedia 

last night, i had this dream that i was interviewing for a job.  the issue was is that it was at a famous hotel in our area.  you may have heard of the Stanley Hotel?  it's the one in Estes Park that was the impetus for Stephen King to write The Shining when he stayed in some specific room and was motivated to write the story.  it's a beautiful hotel. when Juni and her hubs were here, we did the fake ghost tour while there and have vowed to go back when they come out for a trip, to do the overnight ghost trip stay.

so, anyway, i went through many, many interviews with various people at the stanley.  i kept asking them over and over again if the hotel was really haunted, and kept getting the same answer, "it is, but they rarely bother us".  this was so disturbing to me, i cannot tell you.  throughout the dream, i saw various pictures that people had taken in the hotel over the past week that had floating people, feet, shoes, etc.    i looked out the window at one point and there were people falling from clouds into a lake that the hotel was on (it's NOT on a lake).  all in all, i couldn't decide on what to do.  it (working at the Stanley) had been my dream, but i just couldn't get past the ghosts and the horrible feeling that i had the second i walked in there for my interviews. 

i woke up, and still had my eyes closed and i literally couldn't open them...i felt like someone was watching me.  it was awful and paralyzing.  i finally bit the bullet and ran to the shower.  glancing at the t.v. in the meantime and noting, "hmmmm, t must have gotten up and shut the t.v. off in the middle of the night".

i was telling t about this dream and said, "please, please, please, tell me that you shut the t.v. off". 

nope. 

on another note....

have you ever been around someone who continually talks about themselves?  i guess i hadn't...fully.  until this week happened, i didnt' know how i'd react in a situation like that.  

i was somewhere this week and a certain someone had plenty to say about themselves.  it wasn't just talking about their life and what was going on in it, but it was flat out gloating and bragging.  what i found out about this week, was that i don't handle that well, internally.  it causes all sorts of discomfort for me and when finally, i can say something that DOESN'T pertain to that person....they interrupt.  i had given up on the sitaution, when finally, towards the end of the time that i would be spending with this person, she asked me a question....but my heart sank when i heard the patronizing tone and saw the look in this person's eyes when they asked me it.  they werent' asking because they were interested in me...they were asking because they were once again, trying to make their life and job seem much more important than anything i had ever done. 

just for the record...i have never felt shame in my past jobs or anything that i have done regarding them.  do i feel like i did nothing, working with kids who had no parents and who were surviving my staying with relatives?  no.  did i feel like nothing when we provided them the only presents for christmas that they would get?  absolutely not. 

did i feel shame in my job that paid me so little that i couldn't survive on the salary, when i was placing children in families homes that desparately wanted them?  not at all.

do i feel embarrassed that i've worked with my family for 8 years?  Do i feel like they were easy on me and just kept me on because i was related?  do i feel like i've been given a hand out and taken it easy on because of this?  am i upset that i stayed in the business this long?  absolutely not.  i earned my way to where i was and i kept the business going when my parents couldn't work. 

do i feel like i'm not doing anything because i'm in HR now and hiring and terminating people...who really have no concern as to who i am?  no, i think this is one of the most pertinent and hardest jobs that i've had in many ways.

am i saving lives?  maybe not.  the closest i've come is in the school counseling position, when i mentored kids every day.

do i have to be to be fulfilled in my job?   absolutely not. 

am i going to judge you because you are judging me?  i'm going to try really hard not to, but it's defintiely going to affect the way that i see your values in place. 

showtunes and brooms

i'm a musical fanatic.  i got it from my dad.  growing up, we went to musicals...going to catholic school, we performed in them, we listened to soundtracks and bought videotapes and then DVDs of muscials that we liked.  it was in my blood. 

so, i'll say that i'm a bit of a picky person when it comes to other forms of performing arts.  not a snob, per se, but i'm pretty cognizant of what i'll like and what i won't.  plays...i'm not so into.  mom and i decided to go to a play that we had won tickets to and the play had gotten astounding reviews...ugh.  we almost left mid-way.  and i'm not sure it was the play itself....and not just the fact that it was a play in general. 

we had tickets last night to go see Stomp!  i was leery.  i love music...and i love percussion...and i love dance.  but for some reason, i couldn't get super jazzed to go.  I WAS WRONG!!!!!  it was amazing.  if you have a chance to see it, no matter what your genre of performing arts is...it's worth it. 

real blogging

Image via Wikipedia

i've been reading a plethora of blogs lately that complain about how many of the blogs they read are so negative and that they are revamping their reading, because they want to get rid of the negativity in their lives.  it made me start thinking...1.  is mine one of those negative ones?  and then 2.  why would i change what i'm writing in order to write what other people want to hear?  and 3.  why were they telling people this, if not to make them wonder if that blog was theirs? 

anyway, it got me thinking of what i read and if there are similarities.  to be honest, i love blogs that portray people's lives in the best possible light.  that is awesome if your life is so great that you have sunshine coming out of every orifice of your body, and that in turn, gets passed on to everyone that comes in contact with you.  but also, i have never, in person, met that individual.  we all have bad days....maybe not BAD, BAD, but we have all had trying times.  i know a specific individual who acts like the sunshiney, happy individual on a daily basis...but she is fake...and she knows it....and she is a SAD person, and has told me so. 

I'm not saying that everyone who has a completely positive blog is SAD...by no means am i saying that.  but i do think it's interesting the persona that we take on in our blogs.  are you pigeon-holed into a certain facade because of the tone that your blog has ALWAYS had?  Do you ever feel like writing about something else? 

I know that I have, but I have been very careful about that, due to work and friendships that i've had.   i NEVER write anything on here that will be discovered by someone that i know.  i know that some of my personal friends read this, but only time to time.  it would be ridiculous to think that i would write something, that i could not tell them in person, and think that it would never be discovered. 

but call me crazy...i like knowing that everyone is human.  it makes me relate to them, and want to know more about them.  i am an abnormally happy person, and at least, that is what i feel inside.  but there are bad days..and there will continually be so...and whether i'm a glutton for punishment or not...i like hearing about them. 

the post that never was....is

so, on my last post, i had NO intention of going where I did with it.  in fact, the title of it, actually had nothing to do (in my head) about the post, because i started writing one thing and ended up writing another and then never bothered to go back and change it. 

but, i really do want to post about this....

when my friend asked me if i was baptized in the Catholic church, i had no idea why she was asking.  I knew that for most of her life, she had been a part of that religion as well, and i had assumed also that maybe her boy was as well.  she said that they had been looking for different churches to see what beliefs may more closely match up with theirs, etc.  all very cool and exciting, i think, to be making those decisions.  then she went on to say that they were going to baptize their daughter into that religion.  then she told me that she was going to ask me something and i couldn't answer. 

WHAT?

what do you mean i can't answer?  but then i understood.  my friend asked me, in the most prolific way, to be their daughter's godmother.  and it wasn't put in a way of, "you WILL take care of my daughter when i am not around"...no, it was put in the best way that i can ever imagine it being put.  i'm keeping the exact words in my heart, and to myself, but it was along the lines of, "i want my daughter to be able to come to you and hear about what you think about things."  it really was one of the most honorable times ever. 

but then we had to get off the phone right then because we felt like we were on a first date and things got really awkward, especially because she didn't want an answer right then.   i asked her if it was so awkward, if she wanted to have our first kiss, she said no, and then we hung up.  :)

i just think that it was such an honor, not because i belonged to some certain religion, or because i have all my stuff together when it comes to kids, or because of any of the usual reasons...but just because she wanted her child to grow up knowing my thoughts on some things. 

how cool is that?

thanks, L..for making my month!