how to know when you've become your own person...

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when someone questions your motivations for doing things and if it was "because" of them that you did them and you realize...."why no...it wasn't at all because of you and in fact, it's been a while since i've considered what you are doing when i make my plans"

i had a shocking realization today and really, it was so shocking, that i couldn't prep myself for it.  :)

i had this "pleasing" thing going on for a while my whole life.  i will do anything for anyone and for the first 33 years of life, that meant giving up anything that i had for them, giving up any plans that i had, for them, and just in general, being one of those people that were there at a moment's notice. 

i was literally sitting there just minding my own business...honestly, not thinking anything of anything, and listening to t mention when he was on call.  i didn't hear what he said...figured that he was telling me for a reason, so i asked what date it was again. 

now, in the past, me finding out that information would have entailed me 1. either making sure my schedule was clear to go hang out with him or 2.  making sure that i had something to do that day with someone that i hadn't seen in a while. 

early in our relationship, t had pointed out that this was not becoming behavior.  in fact, it was needy and clingy feeling, even if that's not what i had intended.  i listened, but really didn't do a whole lot about it.  this continued on...i'm sure, with t feeling ick and me just going along the way that i had. 

i think it was a little bit after my dad had gotten better, i just started realizing how i couldn't do that anymore.  in fact, i think it was when i took a trip with him to the Bighorn river, just the two of us, and we didn't have any communication with the outside world.  i just started "being" for lack of a  better word. on top of that, i think i realized how much better t and i were when i did my own thing.  we were that couple that i liked being around and not that lopsided one that you cringe at.  so, at some point, i decided to take my favorite theme...fake it til you make it, and run with it.  i did...i remember consciously making myself fake being this person for i don't know...maybe a couple weeks.  then apparently...i must have "made" it.

all that to say, that, not in a mean way, but i haven't thought twice in quite a while about how my schedule will coincide with t and how i must be doing things when he is...because, well....it was exhausting.  i was living two people's lives instead of the one that i had.  so...not even consciously thinking about this...a shift was made in my head. 

when i asked t what date he was on call, it was not good.  it brought up every feeling in him that he had had when i was being somewhat needy a leech.  he questioned me and first reaction on my end....was shock.  then, on top of the shock....a realization of how funny it was that i hadn't thought of that in ages.  i had, through no intent on my own...just stopped thinking about other people and was living life the way that i had wanted for about a year.  selfish...maybe, but such a salient switch from the way things were in my head that i almost laughed at how free i'd felt in the past year. 

granted, and point taken, that there have been times when t has worked and i've asked when he was working, then happened to go do something during that time.  but i guess the big difference has been in my head....where, i knew that even if he wasn't working, doing other things...that i would be doing whatever it was that i had planned for myself.  i've gone to more things by myself in the past year, than i think i have...well....ever. 

it is awesome.