when there aren't words

now, THAT is a funny title.  it sounds like some beginning to a Hallmark card for lovers.  and so NOT what this is going to be about.

i just can't put a finger on what i'm feeling.  i've gone over it in my head, "are you depressed?  NO.  are you sad?  NO.  are you confused?  NO.  o.k, maybe i'm confused."

it has to do with a couple things.  first, the incident with the trainer.  it was funny, yes, it was actually hilarious.  but in the meantime, it started solidifying an idea in my head, that had been floating around for some time.  secondly, another incident happened, that compounded that idea. 

when i was with bonehead, we i owned a jeep.  i sold it to a couple that came over and we found out we had so much in common with.  they were SO fun and awesome.  we stayed friends, even throughout the breakup.  i just kept quiet about all that had gone on with us, letting them find out bits and pieces on their own, until they got the full-force idea of who bonehead really was.  we went to dinner a while ago, maybe a year or so.  since that time, i've emailed like crazy to them.  my phone blew up in november, so i sent out repeated emails stating that it had done so, and please send me their phone number.  facebook, email, nothing.  i got a call from her the other day.  i about fell over and was so excited.  i wasn't able to call right then, and then....i got another call from her, that same day!  i talked to her on the phone and instead of talking about what had been going on, it became apparent that she was on a mission.  you see, the call wasn't a call to catch up, it was a "favor" call.  and on top of that, after the favor was asked, it was even more apparent that all she wanted to do was to get off the phone.  writing that last line makes me feel a tightness in my throat.  anyway, we got off the phone and from that point on, each day, i've been getting a call from her, asking if i have an answer to my favor. 

i get this way every once in a while, i think.  i think of it as my, "i'm losing faith in all humanity when all i want is to have it." phase.  I realize how dangerous this phase is, especially when all i've wanted to do is counsel kids. it's that phase in between "you can do anything you want!!" and "you're screwed!". 

i want to have friends that want to be my friend.  i want to have people in my life that i can say, without a doubt, "they are there for me through anything".  i want to have people that i could talk to every day, if i wanted.  i think i've lost many friends through the natural progression of kid-land.  this is when your friends have kids and you don't and it's not that you don't have anything in common anymore, but mostly that well, they are busy doing what they should be doing....taking care of their kid. 

these times are when i cling tightly to blog-world too.  for some reason, it feels safer than the world that is around me right now, and i think that is ultimately what i'm wanting.  the safety that there are people in my life that are a given.  they will always be there and want to be there and the shocker of it all, is that that is just not reality and for some reason, in a span of a week, it's just being shown in 3D to me.

i will say that my friend who had her cute little bundle of joy last week has thoroughly been a great exception.  she has updated me along the way and has kept me in the loop of it all through thick and thin....i think this is why we've been friends for so long and will likely continue to, even though she is in kid-land now.....

all this to say, i'm feeling a little disenchanted by things right now.