the day i took a leap

i was reading the other day about a canadian friend saying that they didn't like dwelling too much in the past and the future, and i thought, "what a great concept". in reality, the only moment that matters is...now. the present. AND furthermore, what is even more deep about that, is that at some time....everything in the past, was a present moment.

so, i was thinking more about that and realizing that i LOVE to think about the past, not in a vengeful, "i'm going to poke so so's eyes out because they said something nasty about me 10 years ago", but more of a remniscent type of way. what i have found that doing to me lately though, is making me feel very lost in a way. lost in the sense that, there was a time, when i had a group of friends, that lived in the same town as me, that were all, the center of my world.

now, as time has progressed, we have all moved on, people have gotten married, gotten divorced, had kids...well, you know...moved on and made a life for themselves. and what i've found is that i'm in a city where i don't have that close-knit group anymore. and moreover, i still keep in touch with all of them from before, except one, but we are at SUCH different spaces in our lives (read: they have kids, and i don't).

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so, i started thinking about how when i lived with my roommate from grad school, she knew that i thought the sun rose and set on her...and i think she thought the same about me.

o.k....i know, the past...but it's to get to a point at the end, that pertains only to the present. i have to give some background.

The year: 1998. i had just decided, on a whim, to go to grad school because i had realized, inconveniently, that i couldn't get job with the degree i had worked so hard to get in undergrad. i ended up deciding that i would apply to whatever schools i could, that were good for that social worky type of thing. i ended up getting into UT Austin. Great, i say. it's close by (from Waco, where i was living), it's cheapish (since i was in state), and it just so happened to be the #2 school for social work in the country. i digress...

i met someone through someone else and she too, was moving to austin at the same time. i was going to live with her, but as it got closer, something didn't seem right. then, i got a call saying, was it o.k. if we looked for a 4 bedroom, because she had 2 other friends that wanted to live with us. that was not o.k. i wanted a situation, where, at least if i was all new to everything around me, i was at least comfortable in my house. so, i started over.

i got a hold of this SHADY guy, that had a job where he met a whole bunch of new people to Austin, and showed us around, one by one, driving us to apartments and such. i don't know how he got compensated and looking back on it, i think he was trying to chase some new tail in town...he had a broken down car, and no air conditioning. it was charming. but, he showed me about 4 places. they were cool. i liked one of them, and as i was leaving, he said, "i'm not in this business, but do you need a roommate?" i said, "sure" he said, "there was this girl who i showed around yesterday, she came down here with her dad from Kansas. she seemed like an o.k. girl, you should call her"

so, i did. and two hours later, i got off the 2 hour phone call that i had just had with my future roommate.....o.k., really, it was her mom. but hey, i figured, i got along with her mom, so she must be o.k. too. i talked to her (the roommate) as soon as she got into town and her mom told her all about me and we discussed. most of all, how we were not going to be best friends, how we should not expect it, and how we should just plan on living our own lives and have a nice place to live with an amiable environment.

we met and seriously, never left each other's sides the whole two years. she was a 5 foot tall, crazy, intelligent woman, who danced in the aisles of grocery stores, being a human beatbox before it was cool (oh, that's not cool?). we would hang out, every second that we were not in classes....it was almost a travesty that she was doing spanish linguistics. i wanted her in my family...seriously, i tried setting my cousin up with her (they did kiss at my wedding). we drove through three hours of austin traffic when her car had been towed, to the impound lot, we won karaoke contests on 6th street, singing god knows what songs together, i watched as her dream relationship broke off, leaving this strong person, reduced to a sad, lonely shell (if only for a few days). i drove her to her audition for "RENT", only to drive away laughing as we talked about how she forgot the words for what song she was singing. I took her to see Jesus Christ Superstar to have her announce "jesus is HOT" in the mezzanine where the actors pictures were posted. we talked about serious things, then not so serious things....like: why people didn't have more "lounging outfits" i came home on a hangover saturday that next weekend to find her with real world marathons playing on the TV, the futon pulled out to a bed, and her, in an outfit, like i have never seen. she wore sweatpants....but over her whole body. and she belted it.

i started thinking of how much i missed her. how much i missed that friendship, but i know she knows how much i missed it and how it was then.

so, i started thinking that i needed her to know how much i miss her friendship NOW, and although neither one of us would trade our lives now for what it was then, that i missed that closeness and fully acknowledge that i likely will not find that again, but how incredibly grateful i am to have her in my life now. it is on an email that she checks from time to time, so i know she will not get it right away, but i'm just excited to have written it and to be living in the now about it. instead of missing what i had, it's a lot easier to be thankful for what you have now and what is real.