this will be my next camera

ignore the chick holding MY camera. i don't know who she is.

take what you are given

many times, i like doing things myself. i understand the need to state, "I did this on my own" i get it. what i do not understand is when people who clearly need help, do not take it. i give people what i can and and in the forms that i can. i cannot, right now, financially afford to give huge donations of money to friends and family...however, i can afford to spend time and lend support. i am, for lack of better words, overflowing in that area. always have been. grab the hand that's being put out to you, it's been there all along and it can help make the ride a lot easier

acceptance....kind of?

i just got an email stating that, after reviewing my application for the school psychology PhD program, i am invited to a pot luck and all day interview in March. ALL DAY INTERVIEW?

they're out to get me

i'm thinking of a blog that i read this morning and how much i could elaborate on it. Sizzle talks about a part of "letting go" in a way. she is describing how mad people get at other people driving and how automatically, their minds go to the "i can't believe that person had the nerve to do that to ME". she then goes on to talk about how there is the SLIGHT chance (wink, wink) that that person did not intend to do anything to you, but maybe, just maybe, their life circumstances are such that they just weren't paying attention.

i fully believe in this concept.

a person cannot "make" you feel any way. it is how you react to their comments, insinuations, etc. that make you feel the way that you do.

t makes comments all the time while driving, "look at this guy, he's trying to race me or something". no, i always say, maybe he's just not even looking at you and he just is going the same speed as you. to this he revs his engine and flies off as fast as he can and comments, "well, i guess he didn't want to go 90 miles an hour". no, t, he probably didn't, probably never will and probably didn't even see you next to him. what bugs me about this isn't the absurdity of this, which, most definitely, it is...but can you imagine what it does to your insides if everyone is "out to get you"

the stress that we cause ourselves on a daily basis is amazing by thinking that people are doing things to us. if you make a conscious effort to let go of that, i just know that it has so much effect on your outlook and your life. if you are constantly expecting that people are out to get you, that your boss is out to get you, that creditors are out to get you....well, sooner or later, they will be. start thinking that the world is out there to bring you good things....you'll be surprised!

they don't like each other or anything

i read this thing saying that toads are very solitary animals and that they really don't like being around each other. i came home to this....

in a 10 gallon tank with a pool, other rocks, dirt galore, and they are sitting on each other.

the wedding

A few years ago, my friend lori was getting married. we had to travel to atlanta to get there and after hemming and hawing about whether or not we could afford it, my friend beth and i decided to meet there for the big day. it started off hectic, which should have clued me into what lay ahead of me. first off, i was so late getting to the airport, i went through the toll fast pass thing, without the fast pass (i never did get ticketed for that....hmmm). anyway, i get to the airport and am about to miss my plane, so i HAD to park in the closest parking possible. this is something that is so beyond me, because i had no money as it was and here i was paying $25.00/day for parking????

i get on the plane and head to my 3 hour layover in Tennesee. i deliberately made it that long so that i could catch up with my college friend who had told me yes, she would be there and we'd hang out at the airport. "oh, by the way" she said, "you should get a 4 hour layover when you come back". of course i did. i get to tennesee and hunker down for my long lost friend fest and hmmmm....she isn't picking up her cell phone. that's weird.

three hours later....

i'm back on the flight...stuffed with memphis BBQ and the best pecan pie i've ever had.

i got to atlanta and our hotel was downtown...a really nice hotel. in a not so nice area. but c'est la vie. i wait til 11pm when beth gets in and we head out to get some grub. we walk....and walk....and walk. we finally, after seeing two drug deals go down, get to a sports bar with the worst food imaginable. i'm the kind of person who would rather NOT eat if the food is not good. it was nasty.

well, we start heading back for the haul to the hotel and happen upon the bars in town, that happen to be closing....at 1am. who closes at 1am???? well, they do. so, we approach a bartender and ask, "isn't there any place that is open past one?" she says, "oh yeah, just go to (she says something here that i can't remember), just tell the cab to go there, they'll know where it is"

an hour later and an expensive lost cab ride later, we get to this "house" thing. it was odd. it looked like it could have been an expensive fine dining restaurant but it had nothing in it. when we got there, apparently they were just opening, we go in and proceed to move ourselves to a cozy couch and talk the night away with some drinks thrown in there. o.k. lots of drinks.

a cab ride back to the hotel and voila....the next morning, we wake up at 1pm. it's wedding day. we NEED food. i NEED milk. i dont' know what it is about drinking a lot...but i crave milk the next day. it's weird and gross, i know, but so be it.

we find bennigans and get our groove on with a turkey o'toole sandwich and a big ole glass of milk.

we go back to the hotel, wishing for a nap, but there is none in sight. we have to get ready. i had brought a little black dress which was always the standby for me, before i had enhanced myself. beth brought a borrowed dress from a friend that she had never tried on. she also brought spanks. well, we will just say that neither of our dresses fit the way that we envisioned them to and we ended up looking like not so high priced hookers walking out of the hotel. we get downstairs to where the shuttles are and oh my god, it looked like a miss america pageant was about to take place. the gowns, my gosh, the gowns. the tuxedos. and there we were. we got on this bus and there was a girl that was just looking us up and down. she was gorgeous, in that, made up kind of way. i felt like i knew here from somewhere. anyway, turned out she was a denver newscaster and the brides cousin.

THE WEDDING

we slinked on back to the back row of the ceremony, and sat down. i smell something funny and look at beth....her hair seemed strangely enough like it was smoldering. i slap her on the back and start pounding her hair...it had caught on fire from the votive candles that are right by her head. we are laughing so hard we can't talk. it smells like burnt hair and we look like sluts. i feel a tap, tap, tap, on my shoulder. it's the wedding coordinator and it's like a movie because i'm watching her lips going, "she's really not asking me to do this". she says, "i'd like you girls to walk to the front of the church before the service starts to sit by grandma there in the front row.". OH MY GOSH, so as if we weren't uncomfortable enough already, we have to go walk up in front of everyone and sit with grandma?

we did it and as it was my first jewish wedding, we had to keep straight faces as the singing started. the rabbi had a horrid voice or maybe it was just the situation, but i couldn't control myself. you know those laughs where you are purple and shaking? one of those.

after the wedding, nothing too exciting happened, except we didn't EVER get asked to dance. we were like the bastard stepchildren or something.

we got back to the hotel, after the newscaster sobbed on my shoulder on the bus ride home and i got to see what she looked like without makeup and while she was tanked.

then, i believe we proceeded to stay out pretty much til 3am the next day. we wake up, luckily in our hotel room and are just like death warmed over. we had to leave the hotel soon, but we couldn't move. i go to take a shower and trip over beth, who is lying on the bathroom floor, showered, in a turban, sleeping on the floor.

we are just wanting to get home at this point. we go and have a disgusting breakfast of lox, bagels and cream cheese (only disgusting because of the way we felt) and headed to our respective homes. i had my 4 hour layover in memphis....topped off not my friendship, but of BBQ and pecan pie and got home to pay my $100 parking tab.

not a bad trip...not bad at all.

I'm addicted....

to the lyric cinema. i would venture to say that you might be able to give me a horrendous movie there and i would still love it. i would love it, because, even if the movie is bad, you have the nice choice of eating cheese from a local dairy and drinking wine while you are watching it. you have the option of drinking bubble tea (which i still have not done yet), or eating so many gourmet olives you feel you may burst. the seat are old, grungy movie seats, although there are couches for the lucky ones that get there first. i saw a movie called "let the right one in" last night with my cousin, ann. it was....interesting. i have no idea if i can say it was good, but it was interesting to say the least. the movies are also cheap.

lunch

i was at a showing the other day, waiting for clients and watching squirrels. i watched this unfold in front of me. here he is going to the box full of peanuts that some nice landlord has left out for him.

THE ESCAPE!!!!

lunch

off to the side, i had a friend that was watching this too.

little slice of heaven

this is the bounty from all night baking last night.

o.k., o.k.

well, the weeklong party is now over. i'm for REAL now. i have eaten, and eaten, not exercised, done everything i wanted to this week and now the real training begins.

a long time ago, i decided that i never in my life needed to weigh myself. that is not for me anymore. there was a time and place where it was a prison for me, a daily ritual that "made" my day good or bad. after working through what i needed to with that, i'm happy to say that i haven't stepped on a scale in years. if i'm in a docs office and need to, i tell them that i don't need to hear the numbers, unless it has something to do with my health. it's very freeing. our bodies really do tell us what we need to know. i was in a really bad place with relationships, chaos, confusion, and my body reacted to that by storing every single piece of fat and calories it could because it was in a fight or flight mode constantly. i didn't change a whole lot after that, just got out of the things that were binding me and voila....

i actually wouldn't feel so bad about this past week if i were living "normal" life right now. but the fact that a skating marathon is coming up at the end of March and then the running one comes in May...well, we'll just say "wow, what a week, what GREAT clean food, and let's move on!"

i don't know about this

i LOVE my life. just about everything about it. we have endured changes throughout with us, jobs, etc. and it's just getting to the really good part, I think. i think about this fact in light of the situations that many of my friends are in right now. it pains me to know that they are not at this same point, or feel that that time, has passed them by. it all seems to be things that are out of their control, which makes it even harder....but i believe that many of the things have to do with choices as well. an old friend was telling me about the trials and tribulations of raising a teen with some other issues thrown in there and was lamenting that she was an overprotective mom. i was all about the "so what?" So what if you are overprotective and people think that...that is who you are and how you choose to be, so be o.k. with it. it gives you a freedom that can start to diminish the second that you are second guessing yourself.

we are going through a time in life when t is traveling more than he is home. in a million years, i never thought i'd be o.k. with this situation....but as time has progressed....i am. i am finding things that i do on my own and taking the time to do the things that i let go in daily life. it's been a great thing.

the big day

my birthday was monday and what a day it was. i will say that although my celebrating was a bit muted, i'm very excited for the year ahead. i got a massage, unlike any other i have ever had, got a facial, which i had not done, and then went and ate pizza here.

after that, we ditched our plans of going to see slumdog millionaire. after all, you need to spread this excitement out.

yesterday we went to the Lyric Cinema to see Slumdog Millionaire. we ate Olives and hummus and a great bread and crackers while we watched. it was good. i have a hard time saying it was great, but that is me. i have issue with movies that are steeped in conflict and then are perfect in one second. but, c'est la vie.

tonight, i'm going to Boulder, meeting a friend from 2nd grade and we are going to olive garden to get a load of food that is not at all good for you and you really should not be ingesting.

i'm also stopping by the Boulder Running company to see about getting my feet some good shoes.

the project....

still chuggin away at the bracelet. but here it is so far.

rear window

i was driving away from work today and i looked in my side mirror. wow....can it get better than this?

and again....

so, i thought, "wow, that's so beautiful going out, i bet it's great coming back..."

colorado in the winter....

bazooka

there is something wrong with our office email. well, specifically, the email that floats between my mom and dad and i. somehow, someone has gotten in and can get names of people that we write from or to and intergrates the names into a new email. for instance....my cousins name is sarah carusso (it's not, but let's just say), so, i'll get an email from lara carusso saying that she wants to get me in bed, or something of that nature. its funny. well, in the past few weeks, i've started getting emails that look like they are from my dad...

the latest was titled:

there's a bazooka in my pants.

picture by:http://www.bertisevil.tv/img?C=S;O=A

listening

i like to think i'm a good listener. i'm thinking of this from a blog that is written by two people that i LOVE to read about that is here. what i think is difficult when you do get the art of listening, is when you realize that YOU are not heard many times. it is frustrating when you say something over and over again and someone just doesn't "get it". but then, that is when you learn to let go. what they do is their path and if you are a believer of karma, will eventually play out in their lives in some way, some how. Karma doesn't have to do with "if i do this bad thing, something bad will happen to me". it has to do with how you live life...every little thing. if you live life for yourself and with good intent, you will notice an abundance coming back at you...

by nature and career choice of being a counselor, i really do love it when people ask my opinion about something that i have listened to for months. there is nothing, nothing more redeeming than having someone feel that they were really heard by them listening and hearing that you "heard" them.

now that i think about it, this does kind of correlate to the blog i wrote before about active listening...it's the signs from our loved ones that can inform us as to their moods and thoughts. to know that they were heard without really "saying" anything....now that is love

the best birthday ever

it's not my birthday yet, but i'm sitting here in anticipation for monday. one might think that i would be sad and lonely. my family will be gone and so will t. i'm really revelling in the fact that i have a 2 hour massage scheduled and a facial...and i can go eat on my own if i want, or i can go home and make something, if i want. i'm going to be 34....not quite midway to 40. instead of being really excited about this past year, i'm really incredibly excited to get onto this next year. i have so many cool things that are going to happen, i really can't wait!

the girls

no silly, not THOSE girls. this is a picture that sits on my desk. it's of my grandma and her two sisters. i love it. sometimes it's hard to realize how much someone means to you, or the things that you'll remember about them until much later. my grandma is the one in the middle....that woman gave the best hugs.

the family

i read this thing in a toad blog...yes, there is such a thing, if you were wondering. they said that toads don't like being around each other. hmmmm.....

morning drive

what i saw

Christmas present

this is one of my Christmas presents. what is funny about this and somewhat amazing is that i took my cousin into a bead store a few weeks before Christmas, and she bought a beading book. lo and behold, by Christmas, she had whipped out three bracelets. these take frickin forEVER to make. just shows you what a little enthusiasm can do

cat hair

um...i don't quite know what to say about this. it's from http://www.kittywigs.com/

and yes, it's for real

the language of love

picture by michele cat

it is funny to me how when you really KNOW someone, how you get to know their "language". i think it is one of the unspoken things in a relationship. this is in any relationship, mind you, whether it be with your girlfriend, mother, friend, husband.....

it is one of the true definitions of the word intimacy to me.

t has a list of things that he does when he is really happy and a list of things that he does when he is not happy. the list varies on what it has to do with, even. but people, i'm telling you...it is right on, to a TEE. i also realize, i have my own language too.

while i may not agree with or would not do the same things as other people do in their language, i listen very carefully.

it is their souls that are speaking and that is too precious to miss out on.

another one

picture by Jim Rettew

here is another picture...i thought it was amazing. they are letting people go back to their homes and hoping to have the fire contained by this afternoon. what a time.

this is what is happening

scary. this fire is happening about 10 miles away from where we are. what is strange is that i thought that i would see evidence of it:smoke, flames, something..... as i got closer to work, but nothing. it looks like any other day here. it happened so fast, after a power line got knocked down by the wind, that some people had to release their horses and other livestock, just to keep them from the fire. they will have to try to find all of their animals after this is all over. just amazing....there have been two homes that were burned as well as a barn.

the loaf

i was up all night last night....making three loaves of bread. it is very cathartic, almost so much so that i don't feel like it's a chore. something about the rising of the dough, the cornmeal, the baking stone....ahhh.

we got the recipe from a man who got it off of the tv in the 70s when he was watching Julia Child on her cooking show. he wrote it down and it was never published. it's very treasured. i would show you a picture, but this is what is left of it.....

and we have all only been here an hour. and it was the size of three of these plates that it was on.

family jewels

i wear this bracelet everyday. i'm like that about jewelry, i love to wear things that i can wear and wear and wear, and not take off. this bracelet is perfect. it has my last name.... lest i forget who i am, it is flat....it doesn't catch on things. the only issue with it, is that it doesn't go with a stinking thing that i wear.

so, is started a new one. this one is two shades of blue....so close together in color, it is hard to define the two, but you can tell a difference at some angles. i'm going to sew it on me....no clasp. it looks like ocean waves. i love it. you'll see it soon! i know you can't wait

oh my gosh, what did i just do?

there is no correlation between what i'm writing and the picture, so just live with it. i took this pic the other day and i love the way the lighting was. that's all. anyway, so i just signed up for the marathon. i am so excited. but this also means something else....i can't not do it. there were caps put on the number of people that i could do it and i wanted to get in before it was too late, but that means i'm stuck doing it too. i know, i know, i'm really NOT. but $100 is a lot to spend on something and not follow through.

wow

well, THAT was a week.

I threw my first baby shower. I think it went fine, but it was a bit hectic on the ole nerves. at least i know now that i can accomodate 15 people in my home....if i wanted to.

the rest of the time we were busy doing family things as t's family was out here for the time. it was a good time, i think everyone had fun and it went really well. our parents met for the first time and by the end of the weekend, i think i was done. i slept like a baby!

today is the start of marathon training! i'm so excited. probably after my 3 miles tonight, i will not be so excited. I got this chart for rookie marathoners and i'm going to try as hard as i can to stick to it. it has, what is supposed to be, the optimal way to train to avoid injury, which is key in our house.

t starts playing roller hockey again tomorrow night after 2 years off. i was thinking about throwing him a "hey it's been a year and i haven't been injured" party in june, but i forgot he is doing this sport again, so that went out the window.