the fickleness of friendships

i think that we are programmed through birth as to what person we are, and there are things that can change i.e., you can become more outgoing and such, but it doesn't change who you are in the realm of who you are as a friend. for years, my mom tried to get me to have more friends. i remember many times, "oh, you should get to know so and so...they seem so nice" little did she know that i couldn't get to know so and so because so and so was too busy getting wasted and doing half the junior class.

so, throughout time, i was a person, who had 4-5 good friends. all the time. it never waivered too much in any situation, except when i got to college and then i had maybe 8-9 good friends that i hung around with (read: that i played quarters with). but never more than that. and always, in that mix, there were the ones that knew the most about me...and they were typically male.

Males have always been easier for me to be around. i don't do the drama thing so well and whether you do it or not, it is there when you are in high school if you are a girl. i hated the idea that while my boyfriend was confusing and weird, that my friends had to be too.

i found a letter from one of my best friends, that i've kept for years, above any others, because she is since gone. she was placing her moral stances on me and telling me that because of decisions that i had made and decisions that she would have made differently, that really, she realized we were different people than each other thought we were (that made sense in my head when i wrote it). she was right and i was wrong and because of that, we couldn't be friends. i'm assuming that eventually, she got over me being the devil, because we were friends after that time and in fact, when her family moved away, she still came to visit. when she died unexpectedly, it wrecked me.

I had a friend in jr. high that was the best. we did everything together and i recently found a picture of her in my photos that said something to effect of, "you were my light out of darkness". Pretty heavy for a 13 year old, i thought. we did a lot together though, and had a lot of fun. when i got to high school, i have no other explaination other than, i also found a friend that was very needy and i started into choir and cheerleading...all this to say, somehow we fell out of that friendship. i'm sure, it has to do with me, but i am very clear on the fact that i didn't just "ditch" this person. i, however, think that she thinks very differently. i found that her mother is a CFO for a big company in another state and she, is a realtor in that same state. i wrote to say hi and wow, how weird it was that our lives were on the same path...once again. i wrote to both the mom, daughter, friend that is in touch with the mom and daughter. nothing. i have learned a lesson.

now, being an adult. i've learned that i need my friends to be my rocks. i very literally have very few friends that are in state, and even they are busy with little ones and do not have time to have the friendships that we once had. it is so strange to me to get together with them once a year, if that, and to "catch up" in a half hour. things will always come up, and inevidably, your friendship will be pushed aside, because, naturally, in the scheme of things, between spouse, kids, and friends, well....friends seem to end up on the short end of the stick.

i understand why and i understand that there is a pecking order and i also understand that at times, i have done this as well. which is why i think that as we get older, our friendships should be even more treasured in a way. not something to squabble over if this person did things differently than you would have. but more taken as individuals... and individuals living their lives the way that they live them...not how you would.