here is my halloween costume. I went to wal mart this a.m. with no intent to buy a Halloween outfit. but then i saw this. you see why I had to. on top of being cute and somewhat evil looking, his head lights up. But only if I shimmey.
It makes me happy....
It makes me happy that the saddest thing in my life right now...
is that Joaquin Phoenix just announced that he is not going to act anymore
is that Joaquin Phoenix just announced that he is not going to act anymore
a second to breathe
I've been going like a madwoman lately. nonstop. I actually took last night off...from life in general. I did cook, but that was good. I then sat, with a blanket on and reading a new book. It's called the Memory of Running. It's pretty intense, but very good. I'm not very far into it, because things happen in the book that you need to just sit there and process. I hope that grad school doesn't go like this for me.
I got letters today reminding me how NOT o.k. it is for me to take nights off. People wondering where the newest edition of my resume was, people wondering where I was, people wondering why I hadn't written back. Well people....I TOOK THE NIGHT OFF!
Don't worry, before 6am, I had woken up, read some, gone to spinning class, gone home, gotten ready, brought t to the car dealership, brought him home and gone to work.
I'm back.
I got letters today reminding me how NOT o.k. it is for me to take nights off. People wondering where the newest edition of my resume was, people wondering where I was, people wondering why I hadn't written back. Well people....I TOOK THE NIGHT OFF!
Don't worry, before 6am, I had woken up, read some, gone to spinning class, gone home, gotten ready, brought t to the car dealership, brought him home and gone to work.
I'm back.
is it better to think the worst?
A few things happened this week to make me ask this question. first of all, i have some friends, that have owed me money for quite some time and i have yet to see it. i heard from them that i would be getting it, and proceeded to tell someone this and they said, "yeah, but when will you really see it?" after thinking a while, I thought, "well, I really don't know when I'll see it, because i was supposed to see it a year ago". What would make me think that i would see it, other than sheer optimism on my part? I'm always quoting the dr. philism of "the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior", but only this week am i realizing how much my human nature doesn't let me believe that.
i bought some halloween decorations and intended to put them outside. when i was showing t all of my goodies for the holiday, he asked where i was putting this one, that is CLEARLY supposed to go on your front door. I told him this and he looked horrified. "NO! someone will steal it"
This never occurred to me.
Then, we have some friends that are thinking about filling their pumpkins with cement so that kids won't take them and smash them!
REALLY?
oh my gosh, i can't believe I'm this naive. i kinda like it
i bought some halloween decorations and intended to put them outside. when i was showing t all of my goodies for the holiday, he asked where i was putting this one, that is CLEARLY supposed to go on your front door. I told him this and he looked horrified. "NO! someone will steal it"
This never occurred to me.
Then, we have some friends that are thinking about filling their pumpkins with cement so that kids won't take them and smash them!
REALLY?
oh my gosh, i can't believe I'm this naive. i kinda like it
today, part 2, and a different day
Today was the day, a year ago, when the "big thing" happened.
it was exciting, but most of all, it was scary, because without it, my dad was going to die, but with it, he might die anyway. it was scary because i realized i was grown up, but not so grown up that i didn't "need" my dad.
the day that lead up to this was even stranger. really surreal. it started on a saturday night when we went to this hockey ticket picking night. i was sure i was going to get the call to say they had a donor that night. t said no, it wouldn't be then. it wasn't. the next day, i was sitting around, walking in the basement doing something, when i thought, "oh my gosh, i just heard the phone ring, it must be my mom" i ran upstairs. silly me, the phone hadn't rung at all. i picked it up and walked downstairs with it and the second i got to the bottom step, it rang. it was the coordinator at the hospital, they had a possibility.
i didn't go to denver until late at night, after t had gone to bed. like 11pm. then i stayed up all night, watching the minuscule hospital tv. then 7am came. they got him all ready and then i panicked. inside, because i couldn't on the outside, but i came unglued inside. we had a posse of women members of the family to get us through the wait. it looked like the Joy Luck Club in the waiting room, i swear. it really was a beautiful thing. there are two times when i will always have vivid memories of what my family looked like at a certain point in time and that day is one of them.
i think back to the doctor. he has come out to tell families many times that their family members did fine, but he has also come out to tell them that things did not go as planned. his delivery to us was so, well, unsure, that it made all of our hearts skip a beat. we coudln't tell if things had been great or not. hell, if i'd completed a successful transplant, i'd be doing herkies down the hallway. he, apparently chose a more toned down approach.
fast forward to today. not without scares and more hospitals, but we are here. there's no saying how long we have, but we have weathered through a big part. we celebrated today by walking across the parking lot to mcdonalds. he ate the same thing that he ate, his first "real" meal after the surgery.
then:
me: what do you want to eat, dad?
him: a Big Mac, shake and fries
me: are you sure?
him: yes
me: you don't like that stuff
him: go get it
so, that is what we had. he didn't eat it all today, like he did the first time. well, he IS my dad and couldn't get around the grams of fat that are in it.
it was exciting, but most of all, it was scary, because without it, my dad was going to die, but with it, he might die anyway. it was scary because i realized i was grown up, but not so grown up that i didn't "need" my dad.
the day that lead up to this was even stranger. really surreal. it started on a saturday night when we went to this hockey ticket picking night. i was sure i was going to get the call to say they had a donor that night. t said no, it wouldn't be then. it wasn't. the next day, i was sitting around, walking in the basement doing something, when i thought, "oh my gosh, i just heard the phone ring, it must be my mom" i ran upstairs. silly me, the phone hadn't rung at all. i picked it up and walked downstairs with it and the second i got to the bottom step, it rang. it was the coordinator at the hospital, they had a possibility.
i didn't go to denver until late at night, after t had gone to bed. like 11pm. then i stayed up all night, watching the minuscule hospital tv. then 7am came. they got him all ready and then i panicked. inside, because i couldn't on the outside, but i came unglued inside. we had a posse of women members of the family to get us through the wait. it looked like the Joy Luck Club in the waiting room, i swear. it really was a beautiful thing. there are two times when i will always have vivid memories of what my family looked like at a certain point in time and that day is one of them.
i think back to the doctor. he has come out to tell families many times that their family members did fine, but he has also come out to tell them that things did not go as planned. his delivery to us was so, well, unsure, that it made all of our hearts skip a beat. we coudln't tell if things had been great or not. hell, if i'd completed a successful transplant, i'd be doing herkies down the hallway. he, apparently chose a more toned down approach.
fast forward to today. not without scares and more hospitals, but we are here. there's no saying how long we have, but we have weathered through a big part. we celebrated today by walking across the parking lot to mcdonalds. he ate the same thing that he ate, his first "real" meal after the surgery.
then:
me: what do you want to eat, dad?
him: a Big Mac, shake and fries
me: are you sure?
him: yes
me: you don't like that stuff
him: go get it
so, that is what we had. he didn't eat it all today, like he did the first time. well, he IS my dad and couldn't get around the grams of fat that are in it.
today
today, i decided to make mention of an event that happened a year ago today. it is huge, almost too big to put my head around, but i don't even know the person it happened to. i know that this person was young. from all indications, i know that this person liked macaroni and cheese, kentucky fried chicken, bean burritos and mcdonalds. This person took some time to think and think about what they wanted to be remembered for and what kind of person they were. that is all i know. that, and we owe my dad's life to that person.
tomorrow it will be a year. what a year it's been. i would venture to say one of the best that i've had in my adult life.
i'm so sorry to your family and to you, and to the life that you left behind. and thank you is not even close to what i really feel.
tomorrow it will be a year. what a year it's been. i would venture to say one of the best that i've had in my adult life.
i'm so sorry to your family and to you, and to the life that you left behind. and thank you is not even close to what i really feel.
disturbia
conversation yesterday
me (walks into my mom's office with a work question)
waiting...waiting, because she is so intent on what she is working on the computer on, i know that she can't possibly be paying attention to me and the important thing i have to tell her.
me: "mom, i have something to ask you about"
her: (hesitating and thinking...hard) "o.k. hold on onnnnnnne second"
me: o.k.....what are you doing?
her: looking up my stripper name
me: exits the room....quickly
fatigue
The time has finally come where i can really start ramping up my excitment about something. you know, when you have a full work week and you are excited about things on a weekend, a girl doesn't want to think about the bliss too ahead of time....it makes the work week drag on. anyway, this weekend, we are redeeming our Cloud 9 certificate that tony's mom gave to us. Cloud 9 is a company, that says that they do "experience gifts" . they have a race car driving school, hot air balloon trips, trips with award winning photographers, etc. anyway, ours is a "floatation experience" followed by 2 hours of massage. i cannot wait. I'm a bit sketched out by the floatation experience, but hey, i'm up for it...whatever it is.
i'm having drinks with this woman that i was really good friends with. i haven't talked to her in some time. she is/was a wonderful person. i will say, we were very close, like more than a sisterly sense, but i honestly felt that this person was my girl soulmate type friend. she is wise, artistic and just peaceful. i really did love being around her. however, after she found a girlfriend (i admit, i aided in that endeavor, setting up her match.com account for her) things just diminished. she moved out of the house that she lovingly had redone with her mother and moved in to a newly built house with her girlfriend. then things fell apart. the relationship did, at least. so, she is back, living in town now. i rarely hear from her. i gave a lot to the friendship. i think she did too. but it is hard when at one time, you are so connected that you help someone get through a hard time in life, and then when you fall on those times...nothing. i feel somewhat bitter about it all. what i want to do is ask "why weren't you there for me?" but it's a moot point right now.
i'm very in sync with life right now, it feels like. i mean, i have a balance, a schedule, and a purpose to many things now that i didn't have before. i like life when you don't have to be "thinking"about things all the time, but they just happen. that is the mode that i'm in now. i love it
i'm having drinks with this woman that i was really good friends with. i haven't talked to her in some time. she is/was a wonderful person. i will say, we were very close, like more than a sisterly sense, but i honestly felt that this person was my girl soulmate type friend. she is wise, artistic and just peaceful. i really did love being around her. however, after she found a girlfriend (i admit, i aided in that endeavor, setting up her match.com account for her) things just diminished. she moved out of the house that she lovingly had redone with her mother and moved in to a newly built house with her girlfriend. then things fell apart. the relationship did, at least. so, she is back, living in town now. i rarely hear from her. i gave a lot to the friendship. i think she did too. but it is hard when at one time, you are so connected that you help someone get through a hard time in life, and then when you fall on those times...nothing. i feel somewhat bitter about it all. what i want to do is ask "why weren't you there for me?" but it's a moot point right now.
i'm very in sync with life right now, it feels like. i mean, i have a balance, a schedule, and a purpose to many things now that i didn't have before. i like life when you don't have to be "thinking"about things all the time, but they just happen. that is the mode that i'm in now. i love it
bountiful life
wow, there has just been a lot going on lately. i did my first running race this weekend. it was only 4 miles and was mainly more of a test of how I would run...at all. i never had really timed myself, or even saw what distance i was going, for that matter. i ended up with a great time, finished first in my age group and even more importantly, won a winter running hat. it was awesome. the best part of the entire race was the fact that t came to watch. it was extra motivation for me to do well, although in the beginning, i was like, "yeah, you should stay home". it really did wonders for me and made me strive for more. my butt and legs are feeling the "more" part today
we had friends over for dinner on saturday night. what a trip. it is so cool to see 12 year olds really start to grow up and "get" things. our friends boy was watching this comedian that we love. there are a lot of subtleties to this comedian, and it was just AWESOME to see this boy "get it".
we added 5 more frogs to the house this weekend. some, are smaller than my pinkie fingernail. they are so cute and one of them croaks throughout the night. i love it.
we had friends over for dinner on saturday night. what a trip. it is so cool to see 12 year olds really start to grow up and "get" things. our friends boy was watching this comedian that we love. there are a lot of subtleties to this comedian, and it was just AWESOME to see this boy "get it".
we added 5 more frogs to the house this weekend. some, are smaller than my pinkie fingernail. they are so cute and one of them croaks throughout the night. i love it.
Posts
